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"Socially Awkward" Girls Booted from Sorority - Sorority Yawns and Continues Naked Pillow Fight

If Fox News Covered this Story, it would go something like this:

At DePauw University in Greencastle Indiana, women are doing exactly what women do best . . . whining. Delta Zeta, a national sorority based out of Ohio, recently sent representatives to the DePauw chapter to investigate the low membership levels of recent years. The national representatives quizzed the 35 members of the DePauw chapter on their dedication to recruitment and found 23 of those women, insufficiently committed, and later gave them the old heave-the-ho out of the house.

This, for some reason, sparked outrage from students, parents and faculty who, beyond being total sissies who wrote letters and protested, claimed that the real reason the girls were dismissed had nothing to do with their commitment to the sorority, rather it was due to, among other reasons, the girls being seen as "socially awkward." Of the 23 women dismissed from the sorority, all were overweight. This group also included the only black, Korean, and Vietnamese members.

First, and I'm revealing my sensitive side right now . . . who cares? So some fat chicks got booted from a nerdy sorority, is that really a cause for outrage? Hey DePauw Campus, how about you take that outrage and direct it at something useful, like say for example the people ruining this great nation, i.e. fat chicks, Koreans and the Vietnamese.

"Virtually everyone who didn't fit a certain sorority member archetype was told to leave," said Kate Holloway, a senior who ran from adversity after the national members left her and 11 others to rebuild the chapter. So exactly what was the archetype of the dismissed women? According to the NY Times they were, "Brainy women, including many science and math majors, as well as talented disabled women."

Please, we all know what that means . . . they had great personalities but were horrible hideous freaks with enlarged noggins and deformed limbs who probably wore braces and humped Justin Timberlake posters on a nightly basis (not that there's anything wrong with that). Except that there is.

Sororities are the last bastion of delusional male fantasy. What goes on inside those cruelly locked doors? Naked pillow fights? Group showers? Lesbian orgies? I assume all of these at regular intervals but if I know the girls participating in these actions are horse mouthed and obese, I can kiss the fantasy good bye and say hello to a little limp penis (if I had a nickel for every time I'd said wait).

So it's time for a call to action. I propose that all women currently holding membership in a sorority, purge that body of ugliness (that doesn't mean vomit your lunch ladies, but hey, if it makes you skinnier). I say we in this country stand up and shout, "No more frumples in Sorority Houses! No more IQ's above 80! No more intelligent women who will interrogate me on my beliefs and morals and interests when I try to sleep with them! We want young, dumb, and uber fine bums!" And folks, if we can't have that, we still got booze and fat chicks.

Learn more about this author, Carl Benson.
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