by Barry Parham

Created on: December 27, 2010

Abby Redux VI

(Our favorite grumpy columnist greets the elites)

Dear Abby Redux,
This week, at the hotel where I work, our Chamber of Commerce sponsored a charity auction, where a bunch of perfectly styled people drank heavily for about four hours and waved at each other a lot. During the event, this knockout Australian model walked around the ballroom with each item people could bid on, and the auction attendees practically threw money at her.

Heck, I may try this myself. Can anybody hold an auction?
Signed,
Ramon "Bob" Boca

Dear Bob,
I suppose so, you civic-minded monument, you. But I suggest you work your way up to "charity auction." Dream big, but start small, like petty larceny or stealing lunch money from defenseless school kids.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Last night, I attended our annual Chamber of Commerce charity auction. I secured a nice, front-row table among my prominent friends, where I successfully bid on and won some sports memorabilia and a politician. I also managed to snag, at a fabulous discount, a weekend of meditation and holistic gastric management, to be held at Gland's End, my favorite sweat lodge in the Virginia highlands. You simply must try them sometime!
Anyhoo, I just wanted to publicly thank the Chamber! And to those who attended, I hope you enjoyed my mid-evening interpretive karaoke of Leonard Cohen tunes.
Signed,
Charles "Chaz" Port au Lett

Dear Chaz,
Can you buy a hat for that ego, or do you just wrap your head in a parachute?

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Dear Abby Redux,
Ever been to a charity auction? I have, this week. To fulfill a requirement for my Public Service merit badge, I volunteered to bus tables at a charity auction that my parents went to. It was pretty weird. I'm still not sure what the grownups were doing. Mostly, the grownups stood around in little groups, pointing at other groups, and sometimes waving. Finally, they all sat down and watched a pretty lady walk around the room, holding stuff up, while this guy on stage yelled. The guy was yelling almost the whole time, really fast, saying stuff like "eighty I got eighty eighty doo-ear ninety eighty somebody say ninety ninety doo-ear eighty-five." And every now and then, somebody would stick their arm in the air and wave a little magazine. This got the yelling guy pretty excited. Weird.
Signed,
William "Will" Williams

Dear Will,
As you'll learn over time, there's no limit to what grownups will do. Wait till you hear about "sweat lodges."

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Dear Abby Redux,
At a charity auction

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