by mmemagnus

Created on: December 19, 2010

Analyzing...Analyzing...I'm always thinking about why people do this or that and why feel the way I do.  I think and I feel, but mostly I think about what I feel. Feelings are like spirits to me.  Some are angels and some are demons.  Some of the names I have given to emotions that do not have labels are considered to be autistic traits.

One emotion is called "Yell Switch".  It happens when I go into a store and all the lights and advertisements bombard my senses.  The people are too much, the colors are too much, the emotions zap my brain.  Analyzing everything is exhausting sometimes, but it's the only way I can make sense of the world and I've been doing it for so long that it is just second nature.  Sometimes I get stunned by this yell switch.  It feels like everyone is yelling and chattering.  The lights seem to scream and lull me into a trance.  I want to buy everything and I can't focus.  I snap out of it by pressing my thumb between my eyes and I blink hard and smile.  Sometimes I roll my eyes up and pray to the angels to get rid of the demonic feelings. It's a very quick act that goes unnoticed by other people. If I get caught doing it,they think I am just stressed and touching my headache. Sometimes I don't fight it and go with it instead; giving free reign to my emotional fantasies of all the promises that new things will give to me.  I give in to my imaginative fantasies and splurge or one time I read every cereal box in the store.   If I get really bombarded and shut down, I'll stare and stop, enjoying the sensation of a whirlwind with all the yelling and screaming that made me dizzy.   

There is a quote I read recently...don't remember the guys name who said it...but it went something like this, "In math, you never really understand numbers but you get used to them."  I never felt like I didn't understand numbers in the same way that I don't understand my feelings.  I think I understand animal behavior better than human psychology.  Because of this I analyzed body language and read books about it at an early age just to be able to function better.  Now I can tell when people are lying and have gotten pretty good at detecting subtle hints.  They lie a lot and will never confess when you call them out on it.  It's a sure way to lose a friend or get into an argument

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