by Thomas Mitton

Created on: December 18, 2010   Last Updated: December 23, 2010

Every adult becomes a child once every 6 months.  Dentists are responsible for this phenomena.  Indeed, dentists are responsible for a great deal.  They inflict pain on a huge portion of the global population.  They add a further dimension to this pain by charging their patients seemingly extortionate amounts.  On top of this, dentists are able to make us all feel small, a touch ignorant and a little bit silly.  I think they might be having some fun at our expense.  Isn’t it odd that anyone over the age of 10, going for their  regular check-up, should receive a lesson on how to brush teeth - every time?

5 minutes into my last appointment with the “Mouth-monger”, the dental  hygienist merrily  declared that my teeth were in fine shape – especially considering my age and lifestyle.  Whilst this news was gratefully received (in the context of financial and physical well being) I was somewhat perplexed.  What do you mean, “considering my age and lifestyle”?  Should my teeth have fallen out when I hit 30?  How the hell do you know anything about my lifestyle?  But we all know it’s best not to ask questions when sitting in the chair.  We probably won’t like the answers, they certainly won’t like the questions and we aren’t the ones holding several sharp implements.

Despite the alleged vitality of my facial eating utensils, my gums and teeth were nevertheless comprehensively prodded and scraped for a good 20 minutes (or until it was judged that I had reached my pain threshold, I couldn’t tell which measure was being used).  Next came the obligatory lesson in how to brush teeth.  In many ways, far more painful than the prodding and scraping. The  patronising lesson lasted for about 10 minutes (or until it was deemed that I had been suitably belittled, I’m couldn’t tell which).  Afterward, I stood in a queue with a sore mouth and several other miserable looking souls.  We were waiting to pay the 2 dimensional receptionist approximately one quarter of of our average monthly earnings.  No, I don’t want to buy mouthwash, over-priced toothpaste or dental floss – I came here to see the dentist that’s all.  Please just let me grudgingly pay you and I’ll be out of here.  Please stop asking me questions, my gums are sore and it hurts when I talk.   

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