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About two or three months ago, I was having an intimate moment with a guy when I thought of Dave Chapelle.

I know, I know, during sex with a guy is a bad time to think about a comedian who put a whole new meaning to the phrase "Back to Africa", but let me explain.

There was a funny skit in Chapelle's show where the come up with a fictional device called the Wrap It Up Box. The whole idea for the machine came from the fact that at awards shows, you get a time limit for your acceptance speech, and when your time is about to run out, a light flashes warning you to wrap it up. If you ignore it, the music comes on.

I mean, if you think about it, it would be quite useful to have in a moment like this. What woman hasn't lay there naked, with the guy pumping away thinking, "Please, just finish and go to sleep"?

So with a handful of bad sexual experiences in mind, I give you some men some advice:

First off, do not skip the foreplay. You are not Jeff Gordon, and this isn't NASCAR. Take your time!

Second, sex in the real world isn't anything like in porn videos.

Third, if you're going to insist on anal, please use lube. It's like being stabbed with a stick.

Fourth, believe it or not, we aren't all size queens. In fact, if we saw a ten-inch penis in a sexual manner, we'd run away screaming! I mean, there's no way that could fit inside any woman.

And last but not least, if you're going to want oral sex, please shave. It's just a courtesy.

Thank you.

Learn more about this author, Ariadne Shadowfire.
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