by Rochelle Cannon

Created on: December 02, 2010

i'm a resident outcast, my roots are not deep.

typecast in this role wherever i go.

trapped in a box i can't help but think outside of,

and when you censor me, i feel controlled more than guided.

LOOK AT ME! i'm more than a child.

i am a person, with real emotions.

i cry, i get angry.

i'm lonely and hurting.

i want you to care.

the root of the problem is irrelevant, i just better not embarrass you.

appearances come first now. pull it together, stop my whining. SHUT UP.

i am a person, with real thoughts.

thoughts i'd like to share with you,

but you don't have time,

or they don't fit the paradigm.

somewhere along the line, you became unapproachable.

i danced around every topic on eggshells

so many ideals, astute perceptions...

no voice.

my desire to be understood is a passionate one.

yet it merely comes second to my craving for your attention.

our minds clash, and we fight pettily, like siblings,

i speak my mind and you shut me down,

not caring to find out WHY my emotions are so volatile,

but blaming me for not being in control of them.

the intimacy i need, continues to elude me.

fear of judgment has me censoring myself now.

i retreat within.

it's safe there, to wonder, to imagine, to express myself without fear or restraint.

i can escape.

i open my mind.

i close my mouth.

i am afraid,

but to speak up would ruin everything. 

i'll just play along.

anything to please you. please don't leave me.

talk about safe topics. stuff you like. i want to be like you.

no, i don't. i want to be liked by you.

i want more. i want to understand you.

i want to be me and to be understood.

but i will suppress that if it gets in the way.

i will pretend, if it gets me closer to you.

...

it doesn't. it can't, because it isn't me anymore.

i am torn. it's all fake. i feel lost. i forgot how to be true to myself.

i put you on a pedestal, and i'm struggling to keep you there so i can make you happy,

while at the same time trying to knock you off so i can be free.

I need a connection, before I float away.

an anchor, to hold me down,

to hold you down so i'll never lose you.

we don't communicate the way that i want us to.

we're growing apart, and sometimes you get so mad at me that i think you don't love me.

i'm afraid.

afraid that you'll get tired of me, give up on me, stop loving me.

afraid you might leave me.

i am weak, but i want you to think i am strong.

the fear consumes me, but i want you to think i am brave.

i want to impress you, so i exaggerate.

i'm afraid to admit

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