by Cristina Olvera

Created on: December 01, 2010

It’s funny because I’m always trying too hard and everyone thinks that I never try hard enough.  If I would just relax and let things flow the way they’re supposed to then I probably would accomplish more, but I have this pressure to do more than I’m capable of at that moment and it all blows up.  Maybe if I just quit trying everything would fall into place.  Maybe without all that pressure I would finally become the successful person I’ve always dreamed of being, but when it comes to my illness I feel that If I don’t try hard enough then I’ll lose everything.  I have to try harder than those who aren’t sick just to be at the same level they are.  This makes life a struggle sometimes.

I’m the lazy one in the family.  I think my family made such a big deal about me being lazy, that when they found out I was really sick, they couldn’t handle it.  Guilt is an ugly thing.  I wish they knew how hard I pushed myself every day just to do the things they all take for granted.  I’m sitting here right now in so much pain that I want to cry, but I’m not going to go bed and feel sorry for myself.  I’m going to smile through the pain and the tears and keep on keeping on, because that’s what I do. 

I don’t have time to be the way my family thinks I am.  They have this weird assumption that I lay on the couch and watch TV all day.  The only time I do that is if the pain is beyond excruciating and I might manage one “lazy day”, but after that I have to get up and do something.  I can’t stand being stuck in bed or stuck on the couch.  It drives me insane.  If my family would take the time to get to know me and my situation a little better maybe they would realize this.  If they would come over and visit and watch me as I try to do my daily chores, maybe they would start to get it.

All of their assumptions are driving me crazy.  They have no idea how hard I try just to make it through the day.  They can think what they want to.  It’s getting to the point where it doesn’t even bother me anymore.  I know I’m sick and I know what I have to do to live my life to the fullest so that’s what I’m going to do. They can say I don’t try hard enough but someday they’ll realize that every day I have to try too hard, because if I don’t I won’t survive.    

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