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by Kathleen Bergeron

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RAISING SUCCESSFUL CHILDREN

If I am anything at all, it is a very proud parent. My husband and I have almost finished raising four bright, high-achieving kids, whose accomplishments so far are numerous. Two of them skipped a grade in elementary school because of the fact that both were far advanced for their grade level, and one of these two was a premature baby. All four of the kids graduated as Valedictorians of their respective high school classes, two from one high school, and two from another. Two have graduated from college already, one with 2 B.A.s and a 3.96 grade point average overall in college. One of our children is currently a third year civil engineering student at UCLA, appearing frequently on the Dean's list. This child hopes to continue on to grad school in engineering at UCLA or elsewhere. And the youngest was chosen as one of only 50 out of close to 700 applicants statewide for a very prestigious full-ride scholarship to an excellent university. In order to apply for that program, a student must be either a class Valedictorian or a National Merit scholar.

Perhaps it is also notable that none of the kids was ever behavior problems. None ever saw the inside of the principal's office unless it was to receive an award. They were liked and respected by their peers and by their teachers, and remain today very close to one another and to us.

I cite the above not to impress, but to back up the statement with which I began: I am proud of my children and I have every reason to be. Because of the success our children have enjoyed, my husband and I have often been asked just how we "did it." How is it that out of four children, not one was an underachiever; not one was a "screw-up" or in any way at all a disappointment to us? Why are they all so focused, so dedicated to their goals and as a result, why are they so successful? I am not sure that there is any easy or simple answer to that question, but after thinking about it for many years, I believe I have a few suggestions for parents who would like to give their kids the best possible start in life and the best opportunity to achieve their goals. By no means are these ideas to be construed as the only methods that work; obviously every child and every parent is different. Nevertheless, I base them on our experiences and the results we have been able to achieve. In short, we must have done SOMETHING right and I hope at least some of the things we did might be helpful to other parents.

To begin at the beginning, literally, (and for those who might be expectant or prospective parents) breastfeed your children. Our four were all breastfed babies. Only one ever had a drop of formula and then only for the space of 36 hours to bring down a temporarily high billirubin count (i.e., jaundice). After that, he was immediately put back on the breast and doubled his birth weight in less than a week. Since he was one of the preemies, this was particularly significant. He ended up being one of those two who skipped a grade and while I realize that his having been a breastfed child was not the only element of his success in school, it certainly contributed. There is a great deal of evidence that suggests breastfeeding can be a significant factor in higher IQs in children later on, as well as contributing to the good health that promotes good school attendance during the crucial early elementary school years. There is a correlation between good attendance and school achievement that cannot be easily discounted.
In short and again, breastfeed your children, even if that means as a working mom you must pump and store. It may be a temporary hassle for you but your baby will reap the benefits conceivably for the rest of his/her life. In my case, I not only nursed all four children, but I tandem nursed twice. This meant that I did not cease nursing my toddler when I had a new baby and while I realize this might be difficult for some people, for me it worked extremely well. Not only did both children bond early on, but it avoided the jealousy and possessiveness that sometimes happens when a new baby arrives in the house. None of my children stopped nursing prior to their third birthday and one was almost four when she weaned. That one is the civil engineering student today.

As for other early childhood suggestions, there can be nothing that has as much lasting impact on a pre-schooler's development as the simple act of being read to. Our children were literally read to from the cradle, and long before reaching kindergarten were recognizing letters and symbols. Both my husband and I share a love of the written word, so our children cannot remember a time when we were not, ourselves, in the middle of reading something for the sheer joy of it. I recall attending a routine parent-teacher conference when our oldest was in the first grade. I expressed amazement at how well our son was already reading even at that level, and the teacher just laughed, saying that I should not be surprised at all. In over twenty years as a teacher, she told me, she had never once seen a child who came from a "book-y" home; one where books were not only available but were seen as wonderful, fascinating objects, wherein a child did not read early, read well, and excel in school because of it. She was right. This boy was lost in the world of J.R.R. Tolkien by the sixth grade and loved being terrified by Stephen King by the eighth. Tests taken that same year showed his reading comprehension tested into the first collegiate level.

So the lesson here is very simple: read yourself and read to your children. Granted, you might be heartily sick and tired of Goodnight Moon (I can still recite long passages from it and my youngest child is 18 now!) and you might cheerfully burn Dr. Seuss, but your child will be a better student for the effort, Once they begin reading on their own, encourage them by letting them read to you. School success is a natural byproduct of the ability to read and read well.

As your child progresses in school, I think that it is a good idea to encourage them to develop positive outlets that might not be strictly academic. The possibilities are numerous and depend on the school your child attends or the community in which you reside. They might be creative (e.g. music, as being involved in a school music program and/or taking private music lessons if they possess this inclination), physical (such as participating in either school sports or community sports teams) or social (These could include church groups, student government, or clubs within a school environment having to do with hobbies or interests your child discovers.) In our family, all four kids were active in the school band from the third or fourth grade onward and they all enjoyed the experience greatly. One of our daughters, in fact, ended up not only benefiting from a musical standpoint, but also developed leadership skills because of band that have helped her many times in subsequent years. She was a talented musician, but when she was chosen as drum major in her high school band, she learned far more than how to play the clarinet. As an underclassman, she had to discipline and train older students in the art of marching and drill downs, and her ability to succeed at this difficult task enhanced her self-confidence and probably helped her later on in college, job interviews and the like.

In a nutshell, then, involvement in things like band, student government and clubs, or in organized sports can be a big plus for a student and can help the student do well in school overall. Far from being a distraction, these activities can teach your child how to balance activities, time, and to set priorities, give him or her the chance to grow as a leader, develop a supportive peer group, and can enhance self-confidence. All of these benefits trickle down into his or her whole life and school career, and to be honest, these actions can be downright fun, too. The more healthy outlets your child has, particularly as the teenage years begin, the less chance there will be for negative influences to take hold.

Throughout your child's school life, even in elementary school, it is a good idea to show real interest in your student's achievements and activities. This may sound far too obvious, but speaking now with my teacher/substitute teacher's hat on, it would shock many people to know how often parents fail to do this. When I say "show interest," I mean show up to open house night even if you have to give up your favorite television show for the evening, attend band concerts, sports events, science fairs, and any other things your child might be involved in or have an interest in becoming involved in. If you are able, volunteer to be a room mother or father or serve in the PTO or PTA; if not, lend your support by providing snacks at the elementary level, driving on field trips, or chaperoning events. If you have expertise in a specific area and would be able to share your knowledge, most teachers would welcome your input with enthusiasm. Never miss a parent-teacher conference or open house. If there is an issue about which you have concerns, show up at a school board meeting, and express your opinions. Gripe or not, your child will always know you cared and that means more than he or she will ever really be able to tell you. I have never met a successful student whose parent or parents did not have their "pictures" in that mythical "dictionary" under "involved."

Another way to be positively involved is by making a point of knowing your children's friends from kindergarten onward. In saying this, I am not implying that you should BE your child's "friend" because more than anything else, your role is that of a parent first. Instead I mean that you should make every effort to know who your son or daughter hangs out with and get to know them and, if possible, their parents. Building a good relationship with your child's peers can help enormously in understanding and keeping "in touch" with your own child as he matures.

Sometimes if you are very lucky, your children's friends come to think of you as an adult they, too, can trust and eventually, some of them may even choose to keep in touch with you long after they and your children have graduated and moved into adult life. I have several email correspondents today who went to school with one or another of my own kids and who consider me a "second Mom" even years later.
Involvement can mean many other things, too, and occasionally it means making certain sacrifices. I mentioned earlier that two of our children graduated from one high school and two from another one, yet we have not changed our home. Unfortunately, the school district in the town in which we still live, had deteriorated noticeably between the time that child number two and child number three began high school. Sadly, we could not afford to move, so what to do? We knew that the local high school would not offer the academic and social challenges we felt the two younger kids needed to grow, so we investigated nearby school districts. We chose to apply for an inter-district transfer to a school district 20 miles away. This sounds like a simple statement, but it was far from being easy to accomplish. Our local school district was understandably displeased at the prospect of losing two good students and the corresponding ADA their attendance would have brought. The local school board, thus, denied our request, and we were forced to pursue our goal at the county level, necessitating a 120 mile round trip. The story, obviously, has a happy ending because our request was granted there. Child number three entered high school in our chosen district and child number four began there in the seventh grade and continued until high school graduation this past June. Despite the times when the logistics of simply getting them up there got quite involved and despite the miles driven and the gallons of gas we burned, I have never regretted this decision. I believe we did what we had to do as responsible parents; we looked out for our kids' best interests. There is no doubt in my mind that this was among the most significant decisions we ever made as parents and the successes that the two younger kid have enjoyed can be laid at feet of this effort on our part.

These then, are the actions and efforts that I believe have contributed the most to our having raised four children to become the amazing adults that they are today. I know there are many other parenting strategies that have been used effectively by others, but for us, these seem to have worked. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet and parenting successfully is even more difficult. Whatever pathway you choose to take, there is nothing more satisfying than having an adult child look you in the eye and say, "Thanks Mom and Dad." I may not have achieved very much in my life that is truly worthwhile, but the pride I feel when I look at my kids will be with me forever.

http://www.lalecheleague.org/Release/intelligence .html, http://www.lalecheleague.org/cbi/bibborn.html
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babybreastfe ed/8910.html#2

Learn more about this author, Kathleen Bergeron.

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