by Darren Horton

Created on: November 28, 2010   Last Updated: January 08, 2011

Dave, the veteran paper-lad whose round I had inherited, forewarned me about the deranged old lady at number 25 Bloomsbury Close.  She was, he said, senile.  She lived alone and was reluctant to open her door on money collecting day; suspecting everyone of being either, a rapist, a burglar or a mass murderer. 

So as I walked down the path of number 25 for the first time, I felt nervous, not knowing quite what to expect, but at the same time strangely looking forward to meeting a proper senile old person. 

After knocking twice I saw movement behind the frosted glass. 

“Who is it?” voice high pitched and nervous.

“Paper-lad” I said.

“Eh?”

I raised my voice slightly, “Paper-lad!”

“Milkman?”

“Paper-lad!”

“Paper-lad?”

“Yeah!”

“Paper-lad?” she sounded confused.

“Yeah!”

“What do you want?”

“I've come to collect your paper money”.

“Eh?”

“I...have...come...to...collect...the...money...for.. .your...morning... newspapers!”

“Oh, just a minute duck” she said, finally realising that I had a legitimate reason for knocking on her door.  She scrambled off somewhere and came back with a key in her hand and for the next couple of minutes I had to be patient as she fumbled and mumbled in exasperation, trying to fit the key in the keyhole.

Eventually I heard the lock click and saw the handle turn but as she pulled on the door, nothing happened.  I watched her tugging on the door and wondered how many different shades of red a face could go before erupting.

“Is there a sliding bolt at the bottom of the door?” I asked her.

“Oh,” came the muffled reply as she bent down to slide back the bolt.  The old lady tried the door for a second time, but to her annoyance it still wouldn’t open.

“I can't open the door”.

“Try the key again,” I said, “it might still be locked”.  The lock clicked and she opened the door an inch, cautiously peering through the gap. “What do you want?” she said.

I couldn’t believe she’d forgotten already.  I spoke slowly and clearly and loud enough so as not to have to repeat myself.

“I...have...come...to...collect...the...money...for.. .your...morning...papers!”

“Oh, come in duck” she said.

She attempted to open the door, which

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