by Jerry Topp

Created on: November 28, 2010

You know the feeling well. It is that moment when your lecture to your child crosses the threshold and takes on a life of its own. The words roll off of your tongue almost faster than you can think of them. Old phrases, words spoken by your parents, and sage advice pours out of you like water through a flood gate. The look on your child’s face tells you that the eyes are open, but the mind has left the room.

You have done it again. Your cautions and reprimands have passed from a speech by a parent to preaching. You can feel the heat in your cheeks and hear the elevated pitch of your voice. You are on a roll and cannot stop. The futility of your effort begins to dawn on your sermon soaked mind. Your words coast to a halt. What started as a good thing intended to help your offspring and promote your bond as a parent has become the same old sermon.

How do you stop this from happening? How does one convey the important facts and warnings to a son or daughter without preaching to them? It is easier than you might think. A few simple steps will usually solve the problem.

1. Establish house rules for your children. These are rules that are simple to remember that cover many common potential problems. Included in these rules would be the curfew, driving rules, courtesy rules, and a few others that might be specific to your family. These rules should be well known and not need to be repeated over and over. Post them somewhere obvious in the house. Make sure that your children understand them and know that obedience is not optional.
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2. Set punishment levels for broken rules. Just like the criminal justice system has sentencing guidelines for judges, you need to spell out the consequences to violations. Your children should know these and understand that you will follow through with punishment when it is deserved.

3. Discipline yourself to discuss problems, disagreements, and various situations with your children. Straightforward communication will help you avoid preaching while establishing stronger bonds.

4. Realize that children make mistakes and test limits. Help them learn the correct way to behave when mistakes are made. Be willing to rethink the limits when the testing becomes frequent. A good limit and rule for an eight year old is not always still a good idea for a teen.

5. Take time before starting a lecture to sort out your thoughts. You may need to write down some notes so that you do not plunge into a sermon on your child’s evil ways. There is no law that says the lecture has to happen within 10 minutes of the infraction. Sometimes waiting will allow your child to have realized the error that was made without you having to give out a long oration. Your son or daughter may actually come with a sincere apology before you get to speak if you just will give them time.

Finally, almost all parents will preach to their children. The key is to learn to talk and to listen. Sometimes, your child has something important to say that you need to hear. Good parents speak to their children in order to start a conversation and not just to show how much they know.

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