by Allen Teal

Created on: March 08, 2007   Last Updated: May 02, 2007

Teens will talk about sex. It probably won't be with their parents. As a parent, if you wait until your child is a teenager to begin discussing sex, you have lost the battle. Giving a 30 second lecture before their first date or when you've seen them doing more than your comfort zone will allow is not discussing intimate behavior with a teen.

If you're already facing the need for the "big talk," and your child is fifteen, I can only wish you luck. The only advice at that point is that you need to make your talk as complete as you can. Afterwords, set up some definite times to address the issues again in more detail. This talk must include some morality issues, too.

ideally, you will begin to talk with your child about morality in general as soon as they can understand. You need to outline over and over the difference between right and wrong. Emphasize that there are just some things that are always right and always wrong. When your child gets to be an adult, there will be time to discuss situational ethics. Children less than 10 will have trouble grasping the abstract. So, concentrate on keeping things simple.

Use easy things like stealing, lying, and hurting people as examples of right and wrong. Because of child molesters, you may want to introduce right and wrong touching. On this topic, include both how they touch others and how others touch them. If you work on this several times a year, by the time they are 9 or 10 years old, you will be ready to introduce more sexual or reproductive type information. If you have a daughter who is an extremely early bloomer, you may need to start a year or two sooner.

By 11 or 12, your child should understand most of puberty and how babies are made. If your moral training has continued along with informational training, you should have also introduced the concept of marriage before sex and babies. While the traditional family is taking a beating in our society, it's still the best environment for raising children when it works right. Teach it to your kids.

Although your child should be taught about sex and the related moral issues by the time they are 13, I recommend delaying dating until about 16 or so. It gives less of a chance for an older child to persuade you son or daughter to go against their moral training. By 16, their personality should be established enough that they can say no to their peers when necessary. Going out in groups or to well-chaperoned events where you can check on them also helps keep things from advancing too far too fast.

If you've done things right, you still may learn things later that will shock you. However, most of the pitfalls will be avoided. Your child should feel comfortable discussing difficult matters with you. If you wait for them to ask, you'll have grandchildren first. You're the parent. Bring it up and get it out on the table early. You and your children will be glad you did. It will also give them a model for doing things right with their own children when the time comes.

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