by Lynn Martin

Created on: March 08, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Well it's been 39 hours since I heard the news...the longest 39 hours of my life so far and I'm only doing ok...I have been breaking down about every 2 hours or so. Maybe I should back up for those of you who don't understand.

On July 19, 2006 at about 10:30am I got the phone call that would change my life forever. I received a phone call from my mother telling me my oldest brother had killed himself this morning. That is a phone call I will never forget. It told me everything I needed to know and created all the gaps I could possibly imagine for why it happened.

Today is July 21, 2006 and we had a private viewing of the body at the funeral home. It was so sad. I find no peace or comfort in this ritual and was saddened more than helped by the experience. I didn't personally go view the body. It's not the way I want to remember my brother. But I sat and I cried with my family.

I want so badly for this to all be a bad dream, but I know his earthly torment is over, and he's at peace with God. He was a very Godly man afflicted by the worst disease possible, one that blinded him to the truth; depression. Thank God he's resting with Him now. I couldn't have asked him to stay now that I know how bad it was.

Tonight, I was able to have a drink with my husband's boss and just get to see him and enjoy his wisdom and comfort. He was so very understanding and is willing to help me with whatever I need. He watched me cry, hugged me, and just listened. I needed that tonight. I needed the company, I needed the ear.

Home is such a hard place to be right now...I find it hard to rest here. I remember more here. I spend so much time thinking about him here. He meant so much to me. It took more work than I thought it could to walk out of the door of my sister in law's house and come home for the night. I felt I needed to be there to get things done with them.

But the truth is, Marcus helped me more than I thought. I find comfort in our friendship. I've thought often of him that he played a similar role in my life as Doug did. And tonight he shared with me the words I needed to hear in order to begin my healing.

Kid, it'll be ok. Your brother is here with you now, and you will find him as soon as you open up your heart and your mind.

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