by Lillyswawa

Created on: November 19, 2010

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. It is how we choose to handle this conflict that determines whether, in the end, there is resolution or stalemate.

Patterns of dealing with conflict within a relationship are often set early in life when children watch their parents argue. The conflict resolution style of each parent is noted and the child often adopts one or the other, depending on the relationship they themselves have with that particular parent.

For instance, the father may be passive and choose to withdraw or compromise. The mother, on the other hand, may be the one of the pair most determined to win the argument at all costs through manipulation or, care so deeply about the relationship that she seeks a win-win while remaining quite willing to compromise herself.

Whatever style an adult adopts, it is important to understand that these models of constructive or destructive conflict resolution play a vital role in the health of any marriage.

How to recognize which style of conflict resolution you and your spouse are implementing, consider the following:

Destructive when -

the couple fails to recognize that conflict is naturally going to result when other opinions and viewpoints are shared

there is a competitive climate implying a win-lose situation

either spouse is unwilling to consider the others' ideas and feelings

spouses resort to personal attacks instead of keeping to the issues at hand

defense mechanisms such as projection, blame, suppression, aggression, and withdrawal are employed

personal viewpoints are valued over the marriage relationship

one or both spouses have a "my way or the highway" attitude

Constructive when -

the couple recognizes that responsible decisions can be made only when each spouse is willing to listen to the other

a cooperative spirit trumps a competitive one; the goal becomes a win-win situation

defenses are dropped and spouses agree to trust that both has a sincere concern for the marriage

disagreements are confined to issues rather than personalities

the idea that "two heads are better than one" is adopted

the marriage is more important than winning the argument

additionally, for the Christian: God's way is to be considered more important than man's way

The most insecure spouses are those who attempt to either withdraw altogether or who must win every battle. Neither is a good scenario.

Compromise, as it relates to the health of a ongoing relationship, is always going to be necessary. However, never when it requires "pretense" or a compromise of character or closely held religious beliefs or worldview.

This is why it is so important to consider your future spouses' firmly held spiritual beliefs BEFORE committing to marriage. The rest is, or should at least, be negotiable.

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