by LJ Innes

Created on: November 17, 2010

First of all, the title is of this article is “Dealing with Squirrels,” but the truth is, I don’t deal with squirrels, very well or otherwise.  As a matter of fact, in the last five or so years that I’ve lived in my little brick face cottage surrounded by trees, I’ve become a die-hard squirrel hater.  Some people say they’re cute; they’re not cute.  Next time you see a squirrel, put your hand up in front of your face, arm outstretched, so that it covers that tail part.  What have you got?  You’ve got a pointy-nosed rat, a rat that you can almost hear giggle because it knows how to taunt you.

Oh I’ve had squirrels in my attic, except I don’t have an attic.  I live in a cottage that was formerly a carriage house, back when men wore powdered wigs and squirrels new their place.  It has a very high ceiling so when it became an apartment, they installed a drop ceiling.  Do you know what it’s like to be in bed hearing scurrying little rodent feet over your head?  I’ve had a ceiling tile fall on my head once for no reason.  Now imagine a freaky, scraggly-haired squirrel hanging ten on my ceiling tile.  I was freaking out.  I eventually solved that problem, but there were many more to come.

There are several apple trees around my house.  If I’m home during the day, I can hear those buggers knocking the apples off the trees and onto my roof and then scurrying after them.  At least they’re still outside.  They eat apples on my windowsill when I leave the house, and leave the evidence for me to find.  One brave squirrel once decided to eat his lunch on the ‘sill while I was in my kitchen.  I turned around and dropped the dish I was drying, and I screamed.  He casually continued to eat whatever he was eating, never flinching, never skipping a beat, fully aware of the glass between us. I think he even smirked at me.  I went after Cool Hand Luke like a Halloween witch, waiving my broom.  He took off.  If there’s one thing those mangy, beady-eyed buggers know, is that I don’t play around; the broom means business.  When I leave for work they sit on my roof near my satellite dish, yes, taunting me.  I’m pretty sure they try to move it around sometimes, trying to thwart my TV watching.

The property I live on has acres of land, at least a mile of driveway and

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