by Janella Schnepp

Created on: November 15, 2010

From the beginning of time, children have expressed anger and pushed for their independence. The most challenging experience for a parent is dealing with the lashing out that accompanies anger and stretching for independence.

There remains a delicate balance in helping children grow into themselves and guiding them from inappropriate lashing out to appropriate expressions of anger and independence. A healthy blend of psychology and good old-fashioned traditional parenting is the best way to ensure these periods of lashing out are “cured” as a child grows into adulthood.

The age of the child determines what phrase we coin for these outbursts. A two year old throws a tantrum while a 15 year old lashes out, and adult is known as a hothead. The goal is to help the two year old and the 15 year old curb their need to be right, have their own way or express their anger and handle any of these in more socially acceptable ways.

There are basic principles in dealing with a child who is lashing out. Never take it personally. Generally speaking, it has nothing to do with you. As the parent, you are closest to the child and the person that the child feels the most comfortable around and with. In those times when you have had to discipline or say no, while it is your “fault” remember that you are doing what’s best for your child. It is our job as parents to keep our kids safe and well. Therefore, we will not always be able to say yes to every request that they make.

Respond with a gentle answer. I have learned in over 15 years of teaching that the quieter I get the calmer my classroom and students become. It is truly amazing how quickly a volatile situation will settle down when I reply quietly.

Find humor in the situation. Humor is an excellent tool to diffuse difficult situations when used appropriately. However, humor should never be used to humiliate or degrade a child. Also, it is best to begin using humor to diffuse situations when a child is younger. Preteens and teenagers have delicate feelings and sense of self which is easily shattered and may interpret humor as making fun of them.

As parents we set the tone for events in our homes. The quickest and surest way to increase a situation is to respond in kind. If your child is lashing out the best way to handle the situation is remember that it’s not about you. Your child is growing and trying to find their place in the world. A gentle answer is the best way to handle a child who is lashing out because it lets the child know that you are in control and gives them some stability and serenity in amongst the drama that is being created. Finally, a sense of humor seems to settle difficult or uncomfortable situations when used appropriately.

Children are a precious gift. As parents, it is our job to help them understand how to handle stressful, difficult and unpleasant situations. This will help them to be successful and healthy members of society as they age and grow.

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