by Brandon Allen

Created on: November 10, 2010

For the first half of my young life, I lived my life in the shadows of the people that surrounded me. This is due partly because of the natural order of our own development. We are born into this world in the purest form of ourselves. As we take our first breath from our birth into this world we immediately have a clean slate to draw out our own lives, in any order that we see fit as we develop from our parent’s guidance and into ourselves.

I realized many years ago, that I was different from a lot of the people that surrounded me. I felt this undeniable difference between everyone in my life and myself. This was due to many reasons not just the obvious. I knew it was going to be difficult for everyone to recognize or accept so I did everything in my power to ignore the inevitable truth. I lived my life (or so I thought) how everyone around me would like or even suggested that I should live. It was different for every single section in my life.

I had friends in swimming, school friends, family, then as early as 14 years old when I started working my first job. Every single aspect of my life was slightly different. It made me very angry inside. I couldn’t even explain how angry this made me feel. I contemplated a lot of scenarios in my head on ways I could get out of this whole mess. None of which were by any means appropriate or healthy. When I couldn’t pretend that day or couldn’t deal with anyone else I would just lock myself away from the world. I pretended to be sick a lot back in school. It was the most tiring thing I have ever done in my entire life. The sad part was it wasn’t much different from what everyone else was doing. We are all trying to live out our lives the best way we see fit, right?

If only it were that simple.

I realize I have a lot of people confused right at the moment. Ironically, I don’t think that I have thought any clearer. I wish I could say I have had it rough as far as dealing with whom I was inside. But, I didn’t. For the most part I would have to say, I had it pretty easy. I wish that I could just ignore all the pain that I see in this world. Trust me when I say, it isn't necessarily my own pain.  I am angry inside because of all the pain and suffering people have to go through just to see a way through this life.

I remember a few years back I had described life as going through hell on earth and making the best to get out alive. This process would allow whoever was left still

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