by Francesca Grace

Created on: November 07, 2010

Seven. That's the number I can count to between the last push I gave him to stop the snoring and the time the next snore rips through the bedroom. Seven; not four and not twelve but seven. Like clockwork.

I have a theory on snoring. I think it's human growling. I truly believe that it is a subconscious argument that snorers are having with the world and the only place they feel safe enough to let it all out is when they're asleep in the safety of their own homes. Every wall shaking snarfling sound is an ear melting cuss word that should have landed on the boss that day. Each new geh-geh-geh-geh-geh-geh nhnhnnhnhnhnhnhnhnhnh, is another well timed telling off of some dimwit driver on the way to work.

It's psychosomatic. I'm convinced. My husband went to a sleep disorder clinic after I had complained for the thousandth time about my interrupted sleep. Magically, he did not snore the entire night at the clinic. He left vindicated that I was making it all up. That is until I got out the video camera and let it record twenty seven minutes of skull jarring log sawing for him to enjoy as much as I do each and every freaking night.

There have been times when I knew I really needed a full night of sleep for the next day and I actually threatened the man. I have told him that if he dared to snore I would super glue his nostrils shut along with other tender body parts. Again, magically, he did not snore on the nights of threats.

If I went to the sleeping pill factory, my name would be there on their wall in the lobby. “Customer of the Decade!”, it would proclaim. They should just send a monthly delivery and save me the trip to the store.

As a kid I always wondered about older couples who had separate bedrooms. After suffering sleep deprivation for years, I finally get that for some couples, it may be the only way that they can stay together. I'm waiting for some university to do a study where they make couples sleep in separate rooms for one month to see if getting a full of night sleep for both people might make for a better marriage.

I think I'm going to volunteer for that study. Either that or I'm stocking up on superglue.

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