by Amanda Kasper

Created on: November 02, 2010

Oh the many fat diaries that lie buried on dusty shelves along side the diet book half highlighted.  I wasn't a fat child by any means and yet a loving family member introduced me to the world of dieting.  The unforgiving dieting world where self worth is based on the number on the scale and the amount of weight lost.  Enter it I did at about the age of 14 my first dieting disaster began.  My loving older sister-in -law showed me the fun of beginning a diet by binging on the soon to be forbidden food the night before while watching movies.  It was then at 14 that I became caught in the highs and lows of dieting and journaling and basing the level of my happiness to the number on the scale.  The praise of weight loss was so enthralling.  Shortly thereafter however I would begin to drift off to the background and sit out on life because the weight and then some crept back on.  The recording of everything I ate morphed into recording my moods and exercising. 

Treating ourselves on bad days (unrecorded day of journaling) and punishing ourselves on good days (stringent record keeping).  A month or two would go by and the bad days would become more frequent until suddenly that journal was left behind.  Within a short while though there would come a new book or program on the market so we'd be back on.  Off to the store to buy the necessary food and equipment we would go.  And with each new diet came the purchase of new pens, highlighters and notebook because we couldn't use a previously used journal as it held with it karma of a failed attempt.  Once again we would say good bye to our forbidden food with an all night binge before waking in the morning to hold fast to our diet. As absurd as that method was more than a two decades later I still find myself running out to buy a new journal with each diet.  Only now I no longer view it as a diet but a way of life and I no longer go out and binge the night before. 

I try to remain consistent in my efforts one pound at a time.  It has been five years since my sister-in-law introduced me to dieting and basing my life on weight and I wonder if she has changed her position on dieting or if she still in the vicious cycle.  I wonder too how she would feel if some loving family member were to introduce the cycle to her daughter that is nearing 14.  Overall, I'm thankful that although I was taught incorrectly that I have learned to love myself and am able to teach those younger to appreciate themselves.

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