by Meg Newman

Created on: November 01, 2010

Fathers are individuals who teach their sons how to grow in men. Fathers are individuals that protect their daughter from harms way. So I believed...

I remember getting my first ever boyfriend, and being only fourteen; this was the most amazing thing that could happen to me. My mom was supportive of my decision to date him. My father, however was on a totally different world, and supporting me; wasn't part of it. 'If he comes to this house; you won't be going upstairs with him' My anger snapped that day as I turned round and yelled 'Why? Do you think I'm going to fling my knickers off over the effing banister!?' This earned me the slap of a lifetime, would you believe it; and all because my father wouldn't trust me. I felt betrayed that my father would think, I'd give away free sex willingly.

I remember seeing him verbally abuse my brother, it was horrible. My brother adored my father, and each time my father did wrong, it was my brother who begged my mom to take him back. My brother took a lot of crap from my father, and yet there was a thread that he kept holding onto, and that he wouldn't let go. I admire my brother for the courage of wanting my father to stay, but personally, it probably would have benefited us, if he'd left long ago.

I'd see him control my mom, and tell her what she could do, and what she hadn't done right. He was just obsessed and possessive of keeping this routine of psychological control. Then when they'd argue, he'd always break down into tears and beg her to take him back, and sadly each time, she would.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if he was still around, but then sometimes, I just don't want to think about it. I wonder whether he would've changed his controlling ways. But, now he isn't here, we've moved on. My mom met a guy a few years later, and now they're due to be married. She's got a guy who lets her be who she's meant to be. My brother, he's adapted to not being bullied well. He looks better now that he's not being told he's useless and worthless. As for me, I'm happy, I have free-will and I use it well, I don't take advantage of the fact my mom's laid-back. I just try and have the life I should have had when I was just a baby.

It's not my father's fault he was controlling. He hadn't had a great upbringing either, and I guess he was trying to do what was best for us. But sometimes what he thought was the worst thing in the world; was just a tiny little mistake in somebody  else's eyes. My father's psychological state of mind didn't help either, that made him worse. He became paranoid, and to an extent schizophrenic too. Maybe it was our fault that we didn't see the signs sooner, and that we didnt help. Or maybe it was his fault because he didn't ask for the help, which could have been provided...

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