by Paul Drockton

Created on: March 07, 2007   Last Updated: May 14, 2007

The Rules of Late Night T.V.

As a kid, we weren't allowed to watch much television. Our mom banned certain programs like "The Three Stooges" and "The Ghoul" (a show where some psycho dressed up with a weird hat and broken sunglasses blew up model cars and interrupted his D horror movies with insults and animal noises.)

However, my all-time favorite was a show called Big Chuck and Hoolihan. The show made fun of a "certain ethnic" population that dominated the culture in the City of Parma. A classic showed a speeding car being pulled over by a Parma policeman riding a horse with a police light and siren strapped onto his head! Now that was funny! The show was a work of art!,

Parma was unique, with its "pink flamingos" and kielbasa and pierogis. Big Chuck made fun of all these things and threw in a few Polka Varieties and Dueling Accordian skits to boot.

One day it dawned on me. "Hey," I thought, "I live in Parma! I was born in Parma! In fact I was the first emergency baby born at the new Parma Hospital!" You couldn't get more Parma than that! Big Chuck was making fun of ME!

I began to take the show personally. "Why not just call it the Certain Ethnic Drockton community". I wasn't a member of the exact ethnic community the show referred too, however, if you offended one Parmaranian you offended all of us.

I knew we were vulnerable in some areas. For example, on Easter, some people hung plastic eggs on their trees like Christmas decorations! And of course there was AMRAP Drive (Parma spelled backwards). And other people did like Polka and Kielbasa with their beer! "Wake up people!" I thought to myself. "Wake up before its too late!"

I envisioned the City of Cleveland building a massive brick wall around the "Parma Ghetto". Parmaranians would be forced to wear dingy gray shirts that had a pink flamingo over their left pocket. Bowling Balls would be banned or renamed liberty balls! Where would it all end?

I imagined myself dating a girl in nearby Strongsville. Her father coming to the door with a sour look of disdain. "Papers please," he barked out. I surrendered my identification papers for his perusal. "I thought so!" he said with a hardened look of satisfaction, "I knew I smelled Kielbasa on your breath! You wait right here."

And then, 30 minutes later, Big Chuck would appear in a police outfit riding a horse with a siren and light strapped onto his head. I steeled myself for the interrogation that I knew would follow!

They were sure to strap me to some machine while they

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