by L. A. Brown

Created on: October 30, 2010

After a 5 year relationship, the last 2 being dreadful, I finally worked up the courage to tell my partner that I was moving out. That decision did not come easily. I experienced the normal worries about starting over, stressing about money and negotiations regarding the care of our daughter who we share. However, the constant pain that was being caused to both of us day in and day out was impossible to ignore. So I left.

Surprisingly we were able to be somewhat civil to one another for the most part once I was moved in and settled in my new place. He would visit and bring coffee, offer the occasional ride if I had some place important to go and assist with minor fix ups that I needed help with. We got along so much better than when we were together and it felt the pain of our past problems was slowly disappearing.

After a few months he brought up the possibility of us rekindling our relationship. It threw me off completely as I was not expecting that request at all. I said no. Several more times over the next few months he again mentioned it, trying to convince me that things would be different this time and we had both learned from our past mistakes. I had to admit, the idea was tempting as dating and meeting new people had not been very enjoyable up to that point. But the memories of the pain I had endured kept overwhelming me. Yes, we were getting along when I didn't need to depend on him on a day to day basis but could I ever go back to trusting him after everything we had been through. Did I want to take the chance of being heartbroken again and having to once more pick up the shambled pieces of my life? Not to mention uprooting the children again and what it would do to them? I couldn't do it. I made the conscious decision that I was through with the relationship and we had to go our separate ways.

Last week he mentioned he was seeing someone. He told me he had just met her and if I wanted to change my mind about getting back together this was the time. Again, I said no. I even found the situation with him trying to win me back quite amusing. But then.....just today, I was waiting with my daughter on the front step as he drove up and parked on the side of the road. His new girlfriend was sitting in the passenger seat. My heart dropped. Even as I'm sure the blood drained from my face, I realised how silly it was for me to be even a little upset about this. As much as the overreacting woman in me would love to be angry with my ex, I had no reason to be for he didn't do anything wrong. It was I who rejected him numerous times, even when he told me he had met someone else. But I can't stop my throat from feeling like it's closing in or the foolish urge to call him and tell him I've changed my mind. When in reality, I haven't. Nothing has changed except for the fact that he is now has a new girlfriend and will probably stop asking me to go back to him.

So what is the reason for my raising heart, churning stomach and feeling of dread overcoming my body and soul? I think what I'm experiencing is the fear of no longer being chased. It's a blow to the ego that he isn’t going to spend the rest of his life yearning for me, even as I’m meeting new people and dating as well. It's selfishness on my end for part of moving on from a relationship is also accepting that your ex will do the same and to wish them happiness in their pursuits.

I'll get busy working on that.

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