by Jasmine Starr

Created on: March 06, 2007   Last Updated: November 20, 2010

The first challenge is to realize and accept that, regardless of what the law states, fathers have virtually no rights in the eyes of most judges.

I did not accept that at first, and I tried to use the system, expecting justice. I was terribly disappointed.

My wife left me twelve days after we closed on a house we built; a house worth around 250k. She was never happy with anything else, so I should not have expected that to appease her, but I did hope that she would be content for at least two weeks. I was wrong.

When she left, she took our children to her parent's home, which happens to be 1,700 miles away from me. I was shocked to learn that what she did was entirely legal. It was also legal for me to go snatch them right out from under her nose, but was warned by my attorney how that might make me look in court.

The system is amazingly slow. After long waits and a few delay tactics from her, I got my day in court, just over a year after she left. The judge chewed her out for taking the kids away, then said that since they have been there this long, it may be harmful to relocate them back. He gave her primary physical custody, and joint legal custody. Although she has some travel expense burden, a great deal of it is placed on me, too.

Imagine paying child support and alimony and having to spend around $1,000 just to have a three day weekend with your kids. It can happen. I know.

My advice is, if you think she is going to leave, or she threatens to, try to get a separation agreement immediately. A separation agreement can define things like keeping the children within a certain area. When I called the police that was their first question. Without that, they can do nothing.

If you expect dirty tactics, you HAVE to get mean. My ex claims to be a devout Christian, yet I have been amazed at the levels she has stooped to in order to extract money from me and limit my contact with the children. Consider getting a restraining order on her. My ex pulled a gun on me once. I blew a golden opportunity by not calling the police. If you can say something that is sure to result in her striking you in any way, do it, then call the police. A pocket recorder is a good idea if you are concerned about who the police will believe (and you should be). If she is removed from the home and you stay with the children you then have some advantage.

A last resort is to take the kids yourself and go some place safe until you can get a separation agreement. If you can get your home on the market first it's better; that way she will not get the house in the end. You just have to split the equity. Tell her you want a bigger house for her, whatever it takes. If you have the kids, it forces the issue. Allow no visitation for her without a court order requiring her to return them to you. That is what she did to me.

Talk to other fathers who have been through this. You can learn a lot. Get counseling from a good psychologist, you WILL need it. Keep yourself busy, so you don't think too much.

I hope someone can learn from this and avoid the immense heartache that my children and I have been subjected to.

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