by Stefanie Kramer

Created on: October 04, 2010

Is it okay to be friends with someone who reports to you at work? Shouldn’t you only maintain friendships with your peers? I’m going to buck my (very wise) father's advice on this one. Be friends with whoever (or is it whomever) you choose. People naturally gravitate toward those with similar interests, sense of humors and lifestyles. As hard as I tried to distance myself from my staff, ultimately I gave in to the delightful development of friendships as our conversations evolved into something more than deposit pricing. (I'm a bank manager.) But there are most definitely some rules...

Once you become responsible for a staff, the logic of distancing yourself makes perfect sense.  A) It could distort your judgment when dealing with a performance issue, and B) It could cause other staff members to accuse you of playing favorites. Legitimate concerns.

So, here’s my advice: Don’t seek out friendships; be a manager first. Then if a friendship develops over the course of your time on the job, so be it. Good managers communicate performance goals and measure them objectively. No one can accuse of you of playing favorites if goals are well-defined and your company's reward system is based on achievement.

Making a point to connect with all staff members at some level never made a manager's job more difficult. Obviously, you won’t become best friends with everyone who reports to you; and believe it or not, they won’t want to become best friends with you. But they will appreciate an environment that allows friendships to develop - and a manager who cares enough to ask about their happiness.

For fifteen years I've witnessed how friendships in the workplace contribute to a positive environment. I also have an example of how sometimes a manager must take a difficult stance with a friend. Case in point.

"Karen" and I developed a natural friendship for many reasons which I don’t need to expound here. She’s a hard-worker, has great customer service skills and typically exceeds expectations when assigned a project. One morning I received a call from Karen who told me she didn't think she could make it in. She had been up all night "working on a quilt and was drop-dead tired."

What would you do?

Now, if Karen would have told me that she was ill, I would have responded, “No problem. Take care of yourself.” But Karen told me the truth. Perhaps admirable. (One of her fatal flaws is the inability to prioritize. So she easily overwhelms herself. No doubt, the completion of this quilt was equally as important as making it to work.) 

I told Karen that I simply had difficulty accepting her excuse to miss work. I needed her as soon as she could get here. She came in thirty minutes later, looking haggard and obviously disappointed in me. The next day, when Karen was more rested, I sat down with her and explained that I appreciated her honesty, but as her manager, I have expectations. One of those expectations is to be present at work - even when a quilt project is due. I’m not sure if Karen ever understood my point of view, but she at least acknowledged my responsibility - and her own. The experience hasn’t damaged our friendship and we continue to banter about books and even periodically drag our husbands out to a movie together. The point? I was able to manage her through a difficult circumstance; and we’re still friends.

Remember to draw boundaries. Understand when you need to wear your managerial shoes, or when you can go shopping with your staff for shoes. 

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