by Barry Parham

Created on: October 03, 2010

Comfortably Dumb

(500 million witnesses, and nobody saw anything?)

According to an unconfirmed report on the internet, a man was murdered today by his own Facebook account.

If this story proves to be true, it would be the first documented case in internet history of a website killing somebody, if you don't count John McCain's 2008 Presidential campaign.

Pending notification to his 84 Facebook friends ... wait, 85 friends ... hold on, 86 ... no, wait, 85 ... the alleged victim's name has not been released to the general Facebook population, his Twitter followers, or his actual physical family. A visitation will be held in Farmville, for those with any compost credits, and the actual funeral and body disposition will be handled by members of the deceased's Mafia Wars inner circle. According to a secondary administrator of his Fan page, the deceased man appears to have passed on peacefully and is lol.

Details of the crime are still sketchy, and theories as to the exact nature of the attack are running rampant. One theory has it that the man got stuck in a Facebook conversation that was so pointless and inane that his entire limbic system just shut down. (He may have posted a desperate plea for help, only to realize that nobody on Facebook knew what "limbic" meant. Instead, somebody started a thread about how George Bush had ruined the Olympic system.)

Some think the poor guy was mauled by an Unwanted Pet, or was the victim of a horribly pessimistic Fortune Cookie, or was gored by a tainted Poke. Others say the "Enter" key on his keyboard got stuck, and Facebook simply liked him to death.

Celebrity attorney Gloria Galldread, who is representing Facebook's HTML code, scoffs at the attack charges. In a prepared statement that she read at least fourteen-hundred-sixty-five times, she claimed that the man simply suffered from an intense bout of depression, resulting from the recent global Facebook service outage.

"It's an understandable misunderstanding," she mumbled, while picking pieces of an ambulance bumper from her teeth. "During the downtime, many Facebook users were forced to go for hours, literally hours, without vital, life-changing personal updates. Nobody could give or receive a Secret Cocktail. Imagine – people simply had no idea what other people were planning to eat for dinner. To be sure, it was a disaster for human society. But murder? I think not."

Other people, who knew the victim, had a more radical suggestion. They claimed the man had a very,

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