by Jake Dalton

Created on: October 02, 2010

It seems that in modern America, the library is the last bit of calm you can find in this country.  A remnant of a time in America when having an intellect was a standard, and TV had not yet fully numbed out our minds.  But to our misfortune, the competition for class clown seems far more clustered than for Valedictorian.  The library however, remains a target that seems untarnished.  Most trouble caused is as simplistic as children giggling when they sneak food behind the back of the libraries over-seer; but no real damage was done.  So how do you really annoy your fellow library patrons?

Well, unfortunately, I am around to really annoy the commonly straight-laced inhabitants of the library.  I've been kicked out of at least ten in my lifetime, so I've had some experience at really picking at their little weaknesses.  In fact, it is my belief that the spirit of prankster politics left by Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, Abbie Hoffman, and countless others, is at its best in the bureaucratic system of public book exchange.  Some of these acts may be shocking, crude, out-right risky, and you are going to need to be bold.

First of all, nothing disrupts an environment quite like the police.  Whether it is in public, your door they just smashed in, or at a concert, cops are a major disruption.  But imagine the disruption they cause in your local library!  Simply make countless drug references at an ear-shot volume and the troops will be called in soon; nothing like a drug bust to keep the pig’s adrenaline pumping! Of course, being an upstanding patron of the library, you will have no substances on you.  The person who made the call is now not only annoyed, but looks like a tattle tale.  Nobody likes a snitch.

Another fun way to turn some ears and annoy your local librarian is turning any children’s story into a gonzo drug fueled masterpiece to be read aloud for everyone to enjoy.  Green Eggs And Acid by Dr. Seuss is one of my favorites.  Sprinkle in a Lou Reed inspired transsexual junkie into the story for best kicks. Of course, it should only be read to an adult audience, and they will surely be disgusted and enthralled at the same time.  Expect being escorted out by the librarian, but the memory and annoyance remains in the hearts and minds of your local citizens.

Face it, the library is monotonous and boring.  And for our third annoyance, it's time to flex your interior

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