And before you readers go gung ho and shriek, "It's about time!" this is not an advocacy for folks who caught frostbite of the family jewels during a freezer frolic, or whose toilet tango ended in a painful twist because the seat fell through. No, I am jockeying here for something more crucial: those accidents' that turn the bellies of our young unmarried women round like pneumatic Michelins. You know, illegitimates.

Never has this proved more problematic than in our time. I guess that's because for some inscrutable reason (I don't knowMTV maybe?), the world's gotten so sexualised that preschoolers today know the word orgasmic' before they're taught origami. Being pre-fitted at birth with Weapons of Mass Reproduction (WMR) sans the tutorials on responsible use doesn't help matters either. So when puberty hits and they take their WMRs for a spin, it's not long before our children end up in a freeway pileup of STDs and teenage pregnancies. Now most STDs are treatable, heck, even AIDS these days is manageable, but teenage pregnancies are no peccadilloes to be casually brushed aside. World statistics on the situation are sparse, but 34% of young women in the U.S. still become pregnant at least once by age 20. And I don't know about you, but I don't subscribe to the "It's my body" mantra which robs the offspring's right to live because it cannot speak for itself. All human life is precious, and something should be done for these ones to be better regarded than as symbols of moral disfigurement and societal fragmentation.

Well, there's insurance for all sorts of accidents, so why not sex insurance? To be more precise, I propose that every father or single parent be required to draw up a sex insurance policy for every child born into his/her homestead. Should an amorous misdemeanour' on the part of this child in the future yield an issue while single, payment from the policy will be activated. Activation will be conditional on the basis of the defaulters' capability to support the issue, as gauged by the insurance agency (defaulters' here refers to the boy and girl involved). The payment will cater for the issue's upbringing until he/she turns 21, under the fosterage of either of the defaulters' parent/parents, upon mutual acceptance. Second or multiple issues will be absorbed into the policy, enabling collective coverage. If the child does not sire or bear an illegitimate issue before he/she is married, the policy will be nullified, with the sum of total premium value plus interest as stipulated paid to the parent who drew it up.

Benefits? For starters, it sounds like a pretty good business plan for the insurance companies, since they get to keep the chunk of profit from unclaimed schemes. The teenagers are unburdened of parental responsibility and their parents get fair returns on investment, though it will give them good cause for a rethink before embarking on further family expansion. What's more, they'll be keeping an eagle-eye out so their kids don't slip up and ruin what might turn out to be a cushier retirement plan. More importantly however, the accidents' will be granted legitimacy in the eyes of society and a fighting chance at survival and success like everyone else. That's one less urchin foraging on the streets or struggling through the haplessly inadequate state ward system, and no more deadbeat dads to speak of. So there, whaddaya think? For all I know, it may just be harebrained, but if it could be modified to really work universally, who knows? Meanwhile, if you sprained or snapped something courtesy kamasutra, here's some advice: Put some ice on it, and enrol for Yoga in the future. Sound like a plan?

Learn more about this author, Manny Maurice.
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