by Seth Newton

Created on: October 01, 2010

Over the past several years, I've collected extensive research regarding a troublesome trend befalling our dear employees of Walmart and I'm afraid to report, the outlook for the future does not look good. 

I think we can all agree most employees of our local Walmarts are not looking their best on a daily basis. Can we chalk it all up to horrible hygiene? Possibly, but I believe it goes much deeper than that. A scandal so incredibly devious it could rock the very foundation of our belief system that is so deeply entrenched in those beloved smiley-faced rollbacks.  

Occasionally we may see an attractive employee here and there, but for the most part, the typical Walmart workforce is littered with creepy creatures. At times in can be downright terrifying perusing the aisles, not knowing if every turn around a corner could land you face to face with a goblin standing on a tiny ladder stacking cereal boxes. It only gets worse during the wee hours of the 24-hour Super Walmarts. But these loyal employees are not to blame. In my thorough analysis of the data I have collected over the years, I have found a troubling pattern and conspiracy taking us all the way to the top head honchos of Walmart.

What is the most significant trait of all Walmart employees, male or female? Filthy looking mustaches? Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about. I've actually done research on that particular subject as well but I've yet to find any direct correlation. The main focus of my studies was how employees who have been at Walmart longer age incredibly bad, to the point where it's almost not humanly possible. And not only age terribly, but develop strange deformities along the way.  Why does this happen? When you look at all the facts, the answer I have fought so mightily for actually becomes incredibly clear.

Deli meat. Yes, I said it. Deli meat. What's the second most significant trait of all Walmart employees male or female besides stinky facial hair? They all bring home that sweet, sweet Walmart-issued Deli meat. Where does it come from? No one really knows. The origin of this strange, prepackaged meat has yet to be documented as Earth. These cold cuts are the very opponent in the battle to save our withering Walmart soldiers. The longer they devour copious amounts of this deli meat, the shorter their life span becomes, and if they were ever even the slightest bit attractive to begin with, they can say goodbye to that real quick. I mean, like overnight quick. That's how fast this Walmeat works it voodoo magic.

I never set out to be a whistle blower, but I believe Walmart has finally crossed the line and I can stand for it no longer. Everyone who reads this, I want you to scream it from your rooftops, the mountain tops, your tree fort, or wherever else you may spend your Sunday afternoons. Let Walmart know we are totally not cool with them turning their employees into festering ghoulies. We want justice and all Walmart Deli meat to be dis-shelved. Not just because it's the decent, humane thing to do, but because we all deserve a chance to shop for Walmart's low, low prices comfortably without having to live in fear of the Lord of the Rings characters they've hired to lurk around their stores. 

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