by Jimmy Flatbush

Created on: September 26, 2010

I remember the first lecture my parents gave me about telling the truth. I was four years old when I inadvertently knocked over a vase, and then blamed the accident on my younger brother. My parents did not buy my story, considering my brother was still crawling on all fours, and the vase stood on a counter at about my height.

The lecture was the first in a series that demonized lying. My parents used a number of axioms: the truth will set your free, telling the truth now saves you trouble in the future, and honesty is the best policy. While I understood the lessons imparted, I did not understand why I had to tell the truth, when adults were constantly telling tall tales and outright lies.

Let us start with the fraud known as Santa Claus. I knew Santa could not squeeze his fat rear end down a chimney. Moreover, we did not have a chimney. Did Santa have a key to our front door? Why did my father always have a milk moustache after waking me to see all the loot Santa left under the Christmas tree? How could Santa be in more than one mall at the same time, and more importantly, how could one Santa carry a bottle of Jack Daniels in his vest, while another Santa seemed partial to rot gut gin?

Even more unbelievable tall tales followed the first lie. The tooth fairly supposedly snuck into my bedroom to leave a reward for each of my missing teeth. One time, the tooth fairy snuck into my room before I went to bed, because under my pillow at bedtime was a shiny quarter. The Easter bunny was an unshaven Caucasian male, about 6’3” and 180 pounds. He looked like my father.

The lies continued at sporting events, especially the national pastime. Adults told me that “my heroes” played baseball. Baseball players were idols. According to the adults who instructed me throughout my childhood, Cocaine, womanizing, spousal abuse, and steroids have obliterated one of the biggest lies ever told to me. School housed a nest of lies, beginning with Christopher Columbus and ending with admonishments that “this class will prepare you for the future.” Calculus prepared me for truancy.

Which brings us to the biggest lie: “the only two things certain in life are death and taxes.” Death is certain. On the other hand, the federal government continues to extort money from us under the guise of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution.

The judges of the U.S. supreme court rejected any claims that the 16th Amendment changed the constitutional

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