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I can only offer sound advice for those of you who work in fine dining establishments. I was a waiter but I'm going to write these suggestions from the patron's point of view. I'm going to sound like a real jerk, but often times customers are. To be honest, I am probably one of the harshest critics because I know how things should be done, and I expect just that when I go out. So, at the risk of offending some servers out there, here is how you increase your tips.

First of all, don't say you're name, I don't care. I don't want to be your friend, I want you to take my drink order. I'm not saying I don't care if you exist, just that I came out to dine with the company I arrived with and have no need for a new friend at this time.

Please don't tell me that you're going to be my waiter for the evening. When I go to a restaurant there are a few unspoken certainties. I will be the customer and you will be the server. We can move on without establishing this certainty out loud.

When I ask a question, such as a what wine I should order to best accentuate the New Zealand lamb chops with balsamic cherry glaze, know your wine menu. If you're not sure, study it during your down time. If I catch you off guard, go ask someone who knows, don't make things up. I'll know and it'll hurt your pocket.

Know the food menu as well. I want to know that I'm going to enjoy the Israeli cous cous that comes with the lamb, or dislike the poached cactus that comes with the llama tenderloin. Again, if you don't know the answer, it is better to ask the chef than to lie and disappoint me with what ends up on my plate.

If your customer responds well to it, go ahead and flirt. Be tactful though, and don't do it when serving couples. Pay attention to the man though, he usually picks up the tab.

If you have to carry on a conversation, make sure the whole table is willingly involved. If you're talking to my wife about having babies while I'm trying to enjoy her company on the one night I get with her every couple of months, I'm not going to appreciate you interfering with that time. I don't care how overstaffed you are. I didn't invite you to dinner, always keep that in mind. Remember, guy... check... usually...

Keep a clean table. Remove dirty silverware, glasses and plates, but never take the man's plate before the lady has finished. Try to take the plates of a couple at the same time, unless the man is shoving it into your hands. Replace used silverware between courses. It'll upset your dishwasher

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