by James P. Krehbiel

Created on: September 23, 2010   Last Updated: September 24, 2010

I recall a couple who came to see me for marital counseling.  The wife appeared more committed to the relationship than the husband.  The husband was dissatisfied with the relationship due to his wife’s physical appearance and had been pressuring her to have cosmetic surgery, including a face lift and liposuction.  He felt the cosmetic changes would enhance the couple’s sex life and fill the void of what he was missing. 

I was quite perplexed because the wife was exceptionally attractive and pleasant, while her husband was not physically impressive and emotionally cold and detached.  I viewed the husband’s controlling behavior toward his wife as a desperate attempt at trying to fix the relationship without considering their struggles with intimacy.  By his own admission, the husband was devoid of emotionally expressiveness.  He had been raised in an environment in which his parent’s relationship was sterile, non-affectionate, and lacking in passion.  This gentleman’s wife lived with frustration due to his lack of emotional availability, and she was resentful and reticent to follow through on his need to have her change her image in order to meet his needs for better sex.

I raised the red flag regarding the husband’s sexual needs which by-passed his intimacy issues, but unfortunately it was less painful for him to ignore the obvious signs of his emotional unavailability.  He continued to pursue his irrational desire to repair his wife’s physical appearance, using that as the litmus test for the quality of their sex life and relationship.  His wife was vulnerable to his demands and was afraid of losing the relationship.  Sadly, she decided to comply with her husband’s wishes, ignoring the various warning signs that I had explored with them. 

I did not see either partner until several months later.  At that time, the wife called me to set up an emergency appointment.  She came to my office sobbing as she explained the resentment and humiliation that she felt for her foolishness in consenting to cosmetic surgery in her feeble attempt to meet her husband’s sexual needs.  Her face was all bruised and irritated from her face lift and I remember her dejectedly saying, “My husband has not considered one of your recommendations presented during our last session regarding the issue of creating intimacy.”  I was not surprised.

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