by John White

Created on: September 23, 2010

The Devil’s Game

More than likely, you’re what the experts call an average golfer, which means you have a handicap between a 14 and a 25 and on most weekends you can’t break 90. Yet once in a blue moon you manage to hit the perfect five iron 165 yards, a little right to left beauty that settles on the green like a satiated hummingbird. “Why can’t I do that all the time?” you ask. It’s simple. Golf was invented by Satan.

Before you give up on me here, let me explain. If you always played golf poorly, you’d quit the game. Satan throws a few crumbs of success your way to keep you coming back for more torture. Suffering is his business.

Whether you’re religious or not, let’s look at the facts of the game as if we were in a courtroom. I will present evidence to prove my case that Satan, aka the Devil, aka Beelzebub, invented golf to make our lives on Earth a living hell.

People’s Exhibit #1: God can sometimes be a cruel God, but never a sadistic God. Only a sadist would allow an innocent golfer to hack their way across seventeen holes of unrelenting turf, slashing at the ball 116 times, only to par the last hole in order to entice the poor sap to come back again next week. God would have made you quit. Only Satan would draw you back to his lair.

People’s Exhibit #2: The game was supposedly thought up by the Scots. Your mother warned you never to trust men who walk around in skirts all day, and the Scots are well known to be devil worshippers and perpetrators of torture. If you don’t believe me, just hire a caddie on your vacation in St. Andrews.

People’s Exhibit #3: Would God purposely place a foursome of beginners in front of you and a group of obnoxious golf pros behind you? I think not.

People’s Exhibit #4: How many times have you taken a double bogey on three par fours in a row and had to write down 666. Coincidence? You tell me.

People’s Exhibit #5: Why is it when you’re a single, the starter always pairs you up with a fat cigar smoker? It’s because you’re an idiot an a glutton for punishment meted out by the Prince of Darkness.

And the most compelling evidence that the Devil is at work in the cruel sport:

People’s Exhibit #6: Millions of lost souls waste their lives away on the links every Sabbath. But not me, not anymore. I intend to redeem myself by pledging only to partake of the evil game, Monday through Saturday. Let’s hope you do likewise—you heathen.

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