by Duncan Kelly

Created on: September 22, 2010

Note: Don't try these at home kids!

HOW TO BLOW UP A BALLOON

Obviously, you place a small stick of dynamite under the balloon, and light the fuse. This is a very expensive exercise due to inflation. Why anyone would want to do this is beyond me...

HOW TO BLOW UP A VEHICLE

Place your lips firmly over the exhaust pipe and blow. Remember to smear your lips with some moisturising gel, as the exhaust pipe may burn them otherwise. It might be advisable to switch off the engine before you try this.

HOW TO BLOW UP A SUBMARINE

Ask one of the sailors to take one end of a long pipe with him when he returns to his sub. You hold tightly to the other end. Then once the sub has put out to sea and submerged, blow as hard as you can in your end of the pipe until you see the sub pop up to the surface again. Choose a small sub, otherwise you may battle a bit.

HOW TO BLOW UP YOUR MOTHER IN LAW

DO NOT DO THIS! Do not even THINK about it!

HOW TO BLOW UP A CLOCK.

It is very important to get your timing right with this one. Two brave men tried this, and when the clock struck one, the other one was too traumatised to continue.

HOW TO BLOW UP A CHIMNEY.

Lie on your back at the base of the chimney with your head looking up the chimney pipe. Now blow. Try not to do this during heavy rain, or when the chimney is in use.

HOW TO BLOW DOWN A HOUSE

Hire a Big, Bad wolf. Make sure that it is not a brick house inhabited by three little pigs with attitudes.

HOW TO BLOW UP YOUR TEACHER

Take a colour photo of your teacher in high definition. Take it to the photo shop and enlarge it to 1.2 by 2.2 metres. You now have your teacher well and truly blown up.

HOW TO BLOW UP YOUR BUDDY.

Buy him chilli tacos and refried garlic beans. Feed him this for three days. Stand well back and observe, preferably upwind.

Now remember to observe all the proper safety rules when considering the above. These are:

1. Never do these stunts at home. Go next door.

2. Always wear clean underwear in case you have to go to hospital.

3. Wear rubber boots, safety glasses, a hard hat, heavy gloves, a chain mail suit and a bullet proof vest. Oh, and smear yourself with flame retardant gel too. Then if you get hurt you can't blame me!

Right, now to extricate my tongue from my cheek...

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