by Angella Gailey

Created on: September 21, 2010

 Have you ever been in a relationship where nothing seems to make sense?  Have you ever had things go missing at work only to find them in a completely different place and you know someone moved it?  Is there someone in your life who, every time you spend time with them, makes you feel like you are crazy and EVERYTHING you say is wrong?  If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are a victim of a form of psychological abuse called gaslighting.

 Named after the 1938 stage play and the 1940 and 1944 movies, Gaslight, this type of abuse can be especially hard on the victim.  In the movie the husband attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of her environment and insisting that everything is the same and the wife is mistaken.  The title comes from how the husband subtly dims the house’s gas lights and he insists that she is imagining it.

 Like in the movie, gaslighting is a form of abuse that makes the victim doubt their own memory and perception of reality.  Gaslighting may be hard to detect because neither party may even realize that it is going on and, even if the abuser does know what they are doing, they will cover it up with lies.  Gaslighters can be very charismatic and make everyone around them believe that their victim really is crazy and may even believe every word they say.

 A gaslighter will play on their victim’s worse fears, their most anxious thoughts and deepest wishes to be understood and loved.  A gaslighter is usually someone the victim trusts and who the victim seeks approval from, otherwise what they say or do doesn’t matter.

 A gaslighter is usually driven by their own need to feel powerful and safe and has to feel they are right and they have to get their victim to agree with them.  The victim idolizes the gaslighter and will be desperate for their approval even if they do not consciously realize it.  Even if a little part of the victim believes that they are not good enough by themselves, they are susceptible to gaslighting. 

 The really sad thing about gaslighting is that it is so readily acceptable in today’s society.  If you don’ believe me, turn on most of today’s talk shows.  You are almost guaranteed to see some version of it.  “I’m not cheating on you, you are cheating on me,” or, “I’ve been lying to you for the past ten years…I’m really a woman,” are common themes in these shows and, they do it because they know people will watch the shows.

 If you are a victim of this kind of abuse, bring it to the gaslighter’s attention.  If they deny it or are unwilling to change, cut them out of your life and get some help.  If the person is willing to change and they honestly don’t know what they are doing, give them ONE chance to change.  If they don’t change, don’t trust them again.  No matter what, remember that you are not crazy and that, given time, you will be able to move on and be all right. 

 Sources of information: www.enotalone.com/article/16907.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/emotional_abuse

http://voiceofcassandra.wordpress.com

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