by Stacy Taylor

Created on: September 18, 2010

I was wearing a pastel print summer dress.  The setting was a warm summer day and I was a little girl full of life at the tender age of 4. I have very blond hair and hazel eyes, that's when my life as I knew it would forever change.  My abuser was a mentally retarded cousin.  While my aunt slept in the next room,my brothers and sister and I were all watching cartoons on this Saturday morning.  I sat the furthest from the TV.  To this day I  wished I hadn't, not like that would have changed things but in my mind I thought maybe it was possible. His name was John,and he slurred when he spoke. He also drooled. I found this very disgusting. I heard a noise..it was John.."Psst! "he said..to me to get my attention..."come here I want to show you something", he continued.  I was curious and oblivious to what was about to take place.

As I entered his room I noticed that he closed and locked the door behind me. That was it. I was done. I was going to die,I thought. Immediately I traveled to a place I had never been before. This is the very first time I learned how to "depersonalize" and "disassociate"..I became numb. I was no longer inside John's room.God was surelyprotecting this vibrant little girl who was so very full of life and love! The pain was so much to bear for her precious psyche that she was now carried by God literally.  Now, I am not a God fanatic by any means, but I will tell you this..there is no other explanation for what took place and how I could possibly handle all that without a word.  I remember how I felt, what I was thinking, and survival mode surely kicked in! I had no choice it had to.

"Stacy...Come here", he said in that slurred voice that still sends shivers down my back.  I hated when he would call my name, or anyone else for years after that.  I just don't like hearing my name. It's mine yes, but ever since that day it was never the same.  I went for the door handle, only to be pulled back by what I described as a big ball of fat. Every attempt I made for the door, he grabbed me and pulled me back. I could feel him breathing heavy, smell his sweat, and feel his clammy hands touching me.  He said, "No! You can't go!" I was sick to my stomach by the events thus far and knew I wasn't getting out.  I would leave this room a changed little girl, and never be the same..I did indeed think to myself. My happy little world simply wasn't like this? Please God, "Can't I just

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