by Colette Duval

Created on: September 17, 2010   Last Updated: September 18, 2010

Relationships that have passed the initial stages invariably come to a point where some form of conflict sets in. This is an absolutely normal part of any relationship which evolves and I dare say, is an essential part.

Whether be it a friendship or a romantic relationship, at some point the novelty wears off and it emerges that yes- this relationship involves two different people who at times have different points of views. How we resolve differences is a sign of the maturity of the people involved and a sign of the strength of the relationship.

Sadly, too many people have an idealistic view of what a perfect relationship should be like and view any conflict that arises as a sign that perhaps the relationships is flawed and is not what they thought it would be. Perhaps these people grew up in a family with a lot of conflict that- instead of being dealt with- resulted in loud arguments and fighting and so the image of a ' perfect ' relationship became that of a peaceful and conflict free one. As a result, problems get brushed under the proverbial carpet where they fester , or grow into a big pink elephant that everyone can see but nobody acknowledges. 

The first thing anyone with a pink elephant in the living room should ask is ' why do I feel I can't mention it' ? The answer is ' fear' . Fear of stirring up more conflict, fear of the other person's reaction , fear of having to face reality. This alone should cause concern, because in a healthy relationship conflict is not a source of fear, but seen as an opportunity to work together and find resolutions based on the ability to speak about one's concerns openly and communicate with mutual respect for the other's opinions and feelings. People who fall at the first hurdle and prefer to use avoidance tactics run the danger of letting resentment grow to a point where it can no longer be ignored but takes on a life of its own.

This is especially so when the problem at hand isn't just about  small annoyances , but when it is about things affecting our basic values and principles. These kind of issues that have the potential to destroy a relationship - and they will, if not tackled as soon as they arise. Most of the time it starts off with a whispering yet nagging voice telling us that something is not right. If this inner voice is ignored, it will get louder until it yells, and often at this stage it is too late to deal with conflict in a calm and rational manner as emotions which have been silenced tend

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