by Paul Drockton

Created on: March 04, 2007   Last Updated: April 02, 2011

Jujubes

When funds were tight, the only economical choice for a 10 year old was a good ol box of jujubes. Willy Wonka could keep his "Everlasting Gobstoppers" as far as I was concerned. If Charlie Bucket wanted a candy that lasted forever all he needed was a box of jujubes.

Looking back, I now realize that, somewhere in my childhood backyard, buried in the grass, was a half eaten box of jujubes. Heck, no one ever finished a whole box off. They could last for years. In fact, I don't even believe the darn things decompose at all. When I die, I fully expect the autopsy to show some sort of jujube calcification in my large intestine to be the cause of my eventual demise.

Jujubes had another side effect, if you eat too many, you will end up with a temporary condition now characterized as "Jujubee lockjaw". For a period of about 15 minutes, your teeth will be bonded together like Siamese twins!

Too bad for Nixon he didn't know about this. He could have avoided impeachment altogether. "Your honor, my client, The President, could not have been recorded on those tapes, you see, at the time he had a mouthful of "Jujubes" and his teeth were stuck together! This is obviously the voice of some imposter!"

I fully expect to find that the longest standing structure on Kenilworth Avenue is even now being held together by these persistent pieces of candy. Heck, who needs rubber bumpers on cars! With Jujubes we could cut insurance claims in half! The downside is that there would be no evidence that a collision had even occurred, even one with serious injuries.

Who needs expensive weight loss surgery? You just buy yourself a pair of jujube grills and just watch that weight fall away! Marriage counselors could prescribe them to argumentative couples.

"He just doesn't listen to me anymore!" (wife, sobbing)

"Mr Jones, I'm afraid you will have to take this prescription of green jujubes three times daily, before every meal." (counselor)

The possibilities are endless! But, remember, I get half the patent rights.

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