by Enoc Flores

Created on: September 15, 2010   Last Updated: September 17, 2010

Yes, a parent should tell the children of the spouse infidelity for two main reasons. First, it affects the children because infidelity usually leads to a divorce or to a separation which changes the child’s life forever. Second, if the truth is hidden from them, then they might feel deceived when they eventually find out. I believe the children have a right to know since they are part of the family and did not have a choice in selecting their parents.

The main factor that would determine whether the children should or should not be informed is if the infidelity affects them. There are some passive types of infidelity which it rarely affects them. Some examples are when forgiveness has occurred, when it happened long time ago and just recently became known, and for some people, infidelity can occur through pornography. In these types of infidelity there is no need to tell the children. However, the children should know if it has occurred more than once (because it will eventually lead to a divorce) or if there has been an abandonment of the family. When these two types of infidelity occur, it is very difficult for the children to not be affected.

The children are affected by infidelity because once there is a separation the children will live in a single parent home or have a step parent. The children had the right to live in a normal home but since that right was taken away by the unfaithful spouse then, at the very least, the children should know of the infidelity. When an attempt to hide the truth is used in order to “protect” them, it may create more problems in the long run because the children may see it as a form of deceit. Take a hypothetical situation, for example, in which a couple has separated due to unfaithfulness.

The husband committed the act, abandons the family, and starts a new family of his own. The now single mother decides not to tell the children especially since the husband will still provide an income. The children are told that their father had to move to another state to work and would not be seeing him much. What is going to happen when the children grow into their 20’s or 30’s? There is going to be a point in which the children may decide to visit his/her father and there will be nothing to stop them from finding out the truth. How will these children take it? These types of secrets are never hidden forever. Children will eventually find out in one way or another and that is where more damage can occur.

When and how to tell them is very important and depends very much on the children’s age. One does not want to tell the children about the infidelity on the day he/she found out, two days, or even a week later. The stress and anger of the news may make the affected party to say things that may end up creating more damage to the children. This will have an adverse effect in the future for them. How is presented is also very important because a six year old child does not have the same level of understanding as a fourteen year old. It needs to be at their own level and if they inquire for more details in the future, they should also be available accordingly.

I was told of my father’s unfaithfulness as I was growing up. My father abandoned my family to start his own when I was five years old. I later confirmed it by the talks I could overhear when visiting relatives and family friends. When I visited him at age eleven I knew what to expect and therefore I did not have a negative impact. Today, he still tries to hide the truth by blaming his separation to other factors such as religious faith. Had I not been told since childhood, I would probably believe him.

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