by Drew Costanza

Created on: September 10, 2010

"I need a straw."

Few lines are spoken with such ominous fervor as this one. More than likely, it's uttered with a straight face, and perhaps a wry grin, in order to signify the imminent arrival of one of the more articulate drinking gestures: the Strawpedo.

Like most drinking accoutrement, the origin of the Strawpedo is dubious at best. It was probably the evolutionary product of a freshmen orientation class, where, watching a video on drinking safety, you hear the baritone voice of the narrator proclaim, "Now also, remember not to drink out of a straw kids, because it will make you intoxicated more quickly," and suddenly, two roommates look at each other devilishly.

Of course, if you aren't already aware, the Strawpedo is not simply drinking out of a straw-that would be akin to calling a 90 yard hail mary touchdown a long pass. No, the Strawpedo is like scuba gear for the beer bottle drinker-it manages air so you can swim.

While initially writing this post, I had the idea to embed a YouTube video of someone using the Strawpedo in order to demonstrate the simple genius of its design and function. As it went, all I found were 17 year olds suckling their stepmom's Smirnoff Ice as Nickelback played in the background-not the type of video I need to be associated with. Although, alcopops have their own place, as my friend Barca writes in his Ode to Zima.

In any case, the Strawpedo is the act of inserting a straw into a beer bottle and bending it upwards, so that when you tip the bottle upside-down, the straw lets the air out of the bottle and the beer flows freely into your stomach-completely unhampered by the pesky workings of fluid dynamics.

Now, there are a few advantages to using the Strawpedo, one of which is particularly good for me:

1) you don't have to use a key, seashell, or sharp knife to create a hole
2) if you don't finish the beer isn't wasted
3) it's hilarious-especially if done in public
4) you won't fishhook your lip on the opening like I always do when I shotgun

This last one is of note: nothing fills a drunk person with more dread than having to weave a bloody lip through an aluminum hook that's slit them like a salmon. This has happened to me twice, and while I'm sure the rounds of laughter that surrounded me were fun for those in the room, I can say less for myself.

Nonetheless, try the Strawpedo:  it will dazzle your friends, fill you with beer, and it just might make you a better person.

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