by Chrystal Francis

Created on: September 09, 2010

I hate when he "zones out."

Let me back up a little to give you a bigger picture.  We are "that" couple-the one that curls up on the couch on a typical Friday night and plays the, "what are you thinking about?-no, you tell me first" game.  We split the housework and take turns paying for dates.  We fight fairly and are quick to apologize to one another.  We are disgustingly, ridiculously happy.

However, inevitably there comes a point in the evening when conversation lags and his answer to the what-are-you-thinking question becomes, "Nothing really-I was zoned out."  At this point, my stomach begins to churn and I start thinking of her.  She is the femme fatale in our relationship, my arch-nemesis, the ghost of relationships past come back to haunt our happiness.  She is the person I want to feel justified in hating because she broke his heart, but my motives are not quite that selfless.  Mostly I dislike her because I wonder if she still has a part of him.

For the most part I am rational and remind myself that he chose to be with me; but she tugs at that tiny crazy side that I usually keep buried under a wheelbarrow of chocolate.  After all, if I can't help thinking about her when things get quiet, how can he not?  Then the questions start:  Does he miss her?  Did he say the same things to her?  Is she prettier than me?  How intimate were they really?

Just before I drift into the land where it seems reasonable to ask him to wear an ankle bracelet at all times and never leave the house, I force myself to examine what is really wrong.  The fundamental issue here is not with her-it is with my own insecurity.  I feel jealousy only because I am fearful that time will prove his past girlfriend was superior to me.  I am terrified that he will discover I am second-best.

Fortunately, I am with a man who chuckles indulgently but does not resist when I burrow my nose in his collarbone and ask him to hold me until it hurts to breathe.  I have learned that he finds it endearing when I am honest and admit I am feeling a little insecure instead of trying to act like everything is okay and forcing him to guess what is really wrong.  I have also learned that the quickest way to put to rest the ex-specter is to learn to love myself.  When I accept who I am, it is easier to accept that he loves to be with me. 

Perhaps one day I will really believe him when he says he is not thinking about anything.  For the time being, I tell myself that he is planning a surprise for me (which is true some of the time).  Life is just easier that way.

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