by Kathleen Delicato

Created on: September 07, 2010

MEMOIRS-NIGHTMARES

My dreams have always been vivid and full of minute details. I dream in color and even have had commercials. (The grape ape, selling cereal, climbing on top of a pile of magazines is my favorite.) I remember the first dream I had as a child. It was of a haunted house (I was watching from somewhere above the scene.) A witch was stirring a big cauldron and bats with big orange beaks were flying overhead. It was cartoonish and wasn't really scary, but I've always remembered it. Because of the vividness of my dreams, when I have nightmares they tend to be terrifying and stick with me for hours after waking.

Recurring nightmares are the worst. I had these for years and they would begin in different ways. I would be having a dream that began to turn into a nightmare and I would realize I was asleep. I could see myself in my bed and would try to wake myself up. I would try to scream for my mother to come wake me up, but no sound would come out. I'd keep trying to no avail. Then I would try to fall out of bed and start rolling back and forth in my bed, sometimes I could barely move and the covers seemed to envelop me and try to smother me. When I was successful in falling out of bed. It seemed like I fell in slow-motion and hit the floor without a sound. I'd keep struggling to wake up and when I did, even though it felt like I had moved all over the bed, I'd be in the same position as I was when I fell asleep. It took me a while to realize I was actually awake. Sometimes I'd wake someone up and ask them if I was awake.

Other details started to manifest in these recurring nightmares. My mother or sister would come into the room and tell me I was awake. I was so relieved, until weird things started happening again and I realized they'd lied! I was still asleep and began struggling once again to wake up. I tried little tricks , like leaving on a light when I went to bed, so if the light wasn't on in my dream I'd at least know I was asleep and ride the nightmare out. I would dream that the light was on, so it be impossible to know if I was awake or asleep. I tried other things, like leaving a book on my night stand, but it would still show up in the dreams. I finally gave up and let the nightmares just happen. They became less and less frequent and I stopped having them altogether. It's been years now since I had one of these dreams.

I still dream every night, sometimes they're pleasant, sometimes not, but for the most part the nightmares don't scare me any more. It's like watching a thriller movie with me as the star. When I relate some of these dreams to other people, they are more upset than I. Now it's become an entertainment.

Strangely, the most disturbing dream I've ever had is one that doesn't really sound so bad, but it terrified me. It was not long after my mother passed away. I dream of her a lot, even reliving the heart attack she had in 1988. Although upsetting I always am able to throw them off after I wake up. In this one I dreamed that I woke up and the light was on in my mother's room. I went into the hallway and wanted so badly to go in, but I was absolutely frozen with fear. I woke up crying and had to call a friend at 3am and did not sleep the rest of the night.

I think dreams and even nightmares have a purpose. It's our subconscious mind working things out- almost like a therapy. I've awakened laughing out loud at some of the things I dream of. Sometimes I wake up crying as well. As for the fear of those earlier recurring nightmares- it's gone. I think I've learned a lot about life while being unconscious.

 

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