by Jessi Michaels

Created on: September 07, 2010   Last Updated: November 03, 2010

I was three and a half, yet I remember it so clearly. My mom had inflated our small green round pool. The air filled with the scent of new plastic. I loved that smell; it reminded me of Christmas morning and hugging a new doll from Santa. The green garden hose had been placed hanging over the edge to fill the tiny pool

My little brother full of blonde, one year old curls had already gotten in and completely embraced the joy of the sunny day. He giggled and played with his colorful rubber ball. I stood off to the side, staring into the water. I wished I could be like him.But I wasn't. I saw worms in the water and I was scared. They looked like worms because they were long and weird looking and I didn’t want them in our pool. I had a paper cup in my hand and was on a mission to rid the waters of these creatures.

How can my baby brother be enjoying himself so much, doesn’t he realize what is floating around next to him? How come Mommy doesn’t take him out of the water? He is totally oblivious to anything beyond the delight that he is experiencing; I am frozen in contemplation, in need of developing a plan of scooping out the worms without getting too close. My mom is not in the photo, but I see a lounge chair off to the side of the pool, so she must be taking the picture; she would never have left us alone outside, not even in the backyard. We had a rule that you don’t go outside unless a grown up is with you. It’s a good rule; it fills me with a feeling of safety or is that fear, I get the two confused.

My blond, curly pony tails seem tight as if they were empathizing with my body. I am already conditioned to be on guard. My shape is painted in a pink one piece bathing suit which shows my already present fullness.The grown-ups called it baby fat and you were not only acceptable because of it but you were desired because of it. There was something to pinch and squeeze and hold onto. Did I gave off some message saying” Come touch me"?; it was not what I wanted..

I don’t know if I ever got in the water that day, I remember learning the worms were only a sort of foliage from the trees that appeared each spring. I was guarded, and stressed, and only 3 years old. Now, 48 years later; my mind plays host to frightened children, in various stages of my life, who, like that small child, were paralyzed by the experiences of the mind’s pool.

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