by Patrick Hurley

Created on: September 06, 2010

I watched the 1931 "Dracula" epic as a teenager. Unfortunately, I happened to be baby-sitting at the time. Even worse, my dad surprised me by lurking outside the unlocked screen door as he set the sprinklers on a surprise visit from the club where he and my mom were supposedly having dinner. I was already terrified and when I pulled back the curtain to see a man standing there staring at me I did not see my father, I saw BELA LUGOSI!

I didn't watch another Dracula movie for 32 years and that happened only because I thought Winona Ryder was HOT! I didn't care about Dracula, I wanted to see her naked. She could have been dating Frankenstein or Ben Stein and I would have watched it over and over.

It was that movie that turned a creepy vampire into a sex symbol. Now, we have dozens of movies and several television shows that glorify this dysfunctional zombie into a cause celebre. If you stop and think about it, what is the ATTRACTION? I mean, come on!

First of all, the concept of having a male or female vampire dig their fangs into my neck is not sexy to me. It sounds really PAINFUL. I would never be in the mood to have sex if my neck had a giant gash in it with all my blood pouring out. Think, "hickey" multiplied x 100. Good luck with that.

Secondly, since odors do not translate from the screen to our nostrils, has anyone CONSIDERED the smell of a dude in a coffin all night long without a shower? Or toothpaste? Gag me.

Thirdly, most vampires are chalk white for good reason. They're dead. I am not expecting veneers and a George Hamilton tan, but I have been to several funerals and in my opinion, the deceased could use a little color. Making out with a female corpse is the last thing on my mind as I lay a rose on her chest. My goal is to get OUT of that funeral home as fast as possible, not to turn my hormones loose.

In addition, her body would be uh, cold. Really cold. Ice cold. How passionate would you be with a giant block of ice on your LAP? Gee, how romantic..

Plus, vampires are not exactly at the top of the moral citizenry list. They have the scruples of Freddy Krueger at a girl's sleepover. They are more animal than vegetable, mineral or HUMAN! Hello? You want to wind up in a bed or in the woods with these freaks? Who knows what they will do if you irritate them? They could go off on you. You think your EX was wacko? They were ALIVE when they lost their temper. Vampires have nothing to lose. You set them off and they are not worried about prison or even the death penalty. They have ZERO consequences. Plus, they have a built-in execution device. From sunset to sunrise, you would constantly be walking on eggshells.

So, I don't get it. Someone has yet to explain to me why these darksiders are a good relationship risk. The only way they can get a boyfriend or a girlfriend is to bite them into submission. Otherwise, it is them and their coffin day after day...

Can't we have more movies starring Renee Zellwenger?

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