by MIJ

Created on: March 04, 2007   Last Updated: April 18, 2007

Suicidal tendencies are not just a band or a frame of mind to me. It's a voice in my head repeating one phrase over and over again. Some hear many voices or at least one voice that talks to them. My voice says one thing and I never know for sure when it will speak up.

I was diagnosed with depression associated with panic disorder and the doctor threw in a touch of agoraphobia for good measure. When I younger I was "shy". This then graduated to "low self esteem". Neither of them was true I later found out. When I was older and the symptoms got stronger I was working in a nightclub and then as a bartender so I would drink. Never enough that I lost control but enough to stop the voices and the feeling of dread I would often get. Looking back I was very social but only because I was all ready out of my house. If I was at home I would beg out of commitments unless I absolutely had no choice to go or someone picked me up. I did not drink at home because I thought that was sad, but the drinking is what masked my anxiety and helped me with my fear.

I can remember driving the ten minutes to campus, getting the door of my class and turning around to go back home because the feeling of something bad that was going to happen was so strong that I could not concentrate on anything else. My heart felt like it was too big for my chest and it was racing so fast I was sure everyone could hear it. My palms would sweat, my eyes felt like they would pop out of me; I could not breathe. I could not think just one thought and I just wanted to go home to my bed. That was all that mattered, going home.

Often, I could not remember how I got home or even leaving. If I had a conversation during one of these attacks you could count on me not remembering it. I would feel anger rise in me and if you were unlucky enough to be around me I would take it out on you. The only thought that I could pick out and hear of the millions that were running through me was, "I don't want to live." This happened often. Thank god I worked around alcohol because I had no insurance nor did I know what was wrong. I had gone to regular doctors and they said nothing was wrong with me it was all in my head.

Several years ago, my life started to slow down. I started hang out more at home, staying out less. The need to be at home was so strong that I could not get passed it. I was happy though. Until one weekend, I broke. I cried and could not stop. It was the first time I admitted that I thought about dying when it was actually necessary and I was able to get help. I went to a doctor that listened and belied me. He had answers and a solution. Although I have tried to go with out medications I am finally at a point that I want to be a person, one in control and functioning. I want to be a good mother and wife and I want to be around for it and remember everything.

The voice is still there at times but I now feel confident in being able to control it. I thank God for creating the men who made anti depressants. I can focus my breathing to get through mild attacks, sugar helps with stronger ones and when all else fails there is my fail safe of a benzodiazepines.

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