Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue

O = Over priced wedding cakes that if you buy a plain ivory or white iced sponge cake and stick a few fresh flowers on top - hey presto a designer wedding cake!

L = Large dresses aren't necessary as long as you look stunning and your wearing clean undies for your wedding night, your groom loves you better naked anyway!

D = Dad's dance moves should be banned, they usually dance like chickens with their tail feathers on fire as they reverse into a cold shower. You know the one, flapping the arms up and down as they dance in a backwards motion. Not good!

N = Never leave the bathroom without checking to make sure your dress isn't tucked into your briefs, you don't want your cheap white stockings from Primark on show to all and sundry!

E = Eat slowly and gracefully at your meal, your the bride and all eyes are on you so don't eat like The Cookie Monster.

W = Watch out for spills of alcohol on the dance floor. You could be walking about smiling at people and doing your best to have the grace of a swan. If you slip on those beer puddles your a prize turkey!

B = Bossy bridesmaids, don't let them takeover just because they want to turn the wedding into THEIR perfect day - its yours remember!

O = Only dance with sober men, the drunk ones can hardy move their feet and they spend the whole dance trying to subtly grab your ass pretending that your waist is lost in your very large dress. "Oh sorry honey thought that was your waist (belch)"

R = Rain on your wedding day shouldn't ruin your wedding pictures, grab your hubby and start splashing through the puddles singing the Gene Kelly classic and i can guarantee you will have the most original wedding pictures ever!

R = Relax and enjoy every moment of your day, you plan for it for so long and then its over in a flash.

O = Over the course of the day try and get round all your guests? Chances are most of them will have had to travel to be there so give them all a moment even if only five minutes.

W = When dancing your first dance, i think the element of surprise is good. Everyones watching you, expecting a slow, mushy dance - do a bit of Patrick and Jennifer's dirty dancing. A sure fire crowd pleaser, and your parents might even join in!

E = End your day in style, instead of throwing a bouquet why not throw a vase of flowers. Somebody gets a black-eye but on the plus side at least their next to be married!

D = Decline the offer of a double vodka from any of your guests, you think you are playing catch up in the drink stakes, but trust me you'll end up looking like your Aunt Gwen who has just fallen into the remaining tier of your wedding cake.

B = Believe that you are a goddess and other people will treat you as one on your special day.

L= Look out for little kids who will stand on the bottom of your dress, you go to move and a rip could be the least of your problems!

U = Understand that you and your new husband don't get to see much of each other on the day of your wedding, hes off with the lads somewhere bragging about how lucky he is and you'll be taking cookery tips from great Auntie Ethel on how to please your man. But you guys have your whole life together so don't get up-tight about it.

E = Enjoy yourself and try and take comfort in the fact that if you fart under your dress with all those layers of taffeta that air biscuit is going nowhere!

This is my light-hearted take on marriage, i am happily married myself and have to say i did base some of the tips on my special day.
No i am definitely not telling you which ones!

Learn more about this author, Arlene Harrison.
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