by Allyn Smith

Created on: August 24, 2010

Forgiving someone, or being forgiven, for doing or saying something that is unforgivable seems like a contradiction in terms. Our human motivation for forgiving (and being forgiven), as well as our definition of what is unforgivable, determines whether that forgiveness can happen. For example: you can’t be motivated to forgive someone if you think their act is unforgivable. Conversely, you can’t motivate someone to forgive you if they consider your act unforgivable. Anyone who says they can forgive the unforgivable hasn’t seen (or ignores) all the despicable things man can do, (especially if he acts against someone they love). A person can forgive someone for committing an unforgiveable action only if he could forgive himself for doing the very same thing; but then it would no longer be unforgivable.

The motivation to forgive will come when you know that forgiveness benefits you or the one you are forgiving, or both. But forgiveness can only come if you know you were forgiven. Otherwise, you won’t know what it means and you will not be motivated to do so. Forgiving someone just because you were told it is the right thing to do will only result in a false forgiveness. True forgiveness can give you peace of mind even if the one you are forgiving doesn’t know or care if you forgive him or not. Whether or not forgiveness can benefit the person being forgiven depends entirely on his motivation for committing the hurtful act in the first place. If what he did was an accident or because of carelessness and he is contrite, then forgiveness will go a long way toward healing both parties. If this person kicked you in the shins and was not sorry he did it, unasked for forgiveness would only encourage him to do it again because there was no motivation to show him that kicking you was wrong, first. That is one reason we have prisons and other punishments for such perpetrators. Forgiving someone who purposely hurts you and remains unrepentant is meaningless ‘to them’ because in their eyes they have done nothing they need to be forgiven for.   

One motivation that stands in our way of being forgiving is self preservation. It is in our nature to like what we think is good for us and not like what we think is bad for us. If someone hurts you (physically, mentally or spiritually) and is likely to hurt you again, you will do all you can to avoid him because you are naturally motivated to not want to get hurt. As long as this

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