by Tom Radford

Created on: August 20, 2010   Last Updated: August 21, 2010

The power of Anorexia has to be seen to be believed. When I met my partner she was recovering from the disease in a clinic. To me she seemed like a beautiful, highly-intelligent girl with a slim figure. Boy, was I in for a shock.

This disease is about control, control of food yes, but it is so much more than that. My partner had areas of her life that were beyond her control, and unable to cope with this reality she found something that she had complete power over, namely eating, and focused upon it. She nearly lost her life because of this obsession. When I ask her about it now she explains that it was like a monster, somewhere in her mind, goading her on to excellence, to be the best … even if she was to be the best at destroying her own body.  She found it both horrifying and seductive at the same time.

When we first got together she tried to hide it, but failed dismally. She would serve me meals so vast that I could barely make inroads. Meanwhile she carefully hid her food around the plate in such a way that I didn’t even notice she hadn’t eaten anything. She knew the calorie count for everything, and I do mean everything… not just food. She would wear a heavy coat and scarf in the summer, marching everywhere for no reason. It was difficult for me because I am in no way a control freak, quite the opposite. Even now, years later, I have to eat my dinner, and if I don’t she won’t eat hers, saying she feels greedy. Now, I’m 25 pounds overweight and when I’m not hungry, then I’m just not … but I have to eat anyway or it’s a problem. 

The most destructive aspect of the disease was her inability to lose control of anything. She wouldn’t get drunk with me, so I always felt conscious if I had a few glasses of wine. Then she would berate me for drinking too much. When the children came along, it was even worse, because she couldn’t control their behaviour, and her own hormones. Needless to say there was a lot of shouting, crying and her disappearing off into another room to, bang her head against the wall, another anorexic trick to burn calories and chastise yourself at the same time. 

Ultimately it was the children who saved her and over the years her obsession has softened so much that now it’s almost a memory. Many times I wanted to leave, and it is one of the few things about my life of which I am proud that I did not. I knew she was a fantastic person behind the veil of this monstrous condition. My advice to anybody who is in a relationship with an anorexic is this; ‘If you feel trapped, remember that the person you love is also trapped inside this disease. They can see you suffering too and probably hate themselves for it even though it’s not their fault. Just be patient and listen to them without trying to force solutions. But also be firm when you need to be. Anorexics, in my experience, tend to be fiercely intelligent individuals who do not like being told what to do. But in those moments when they are relaxed, and they will be few and far between to start with, speak to them about how you feel and what you want from life. If you share the same goals that’s a start.

Good luck.  

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