by Jewelle Jones

Created on: August 18, 2010

When people are rude, it can be hurtful and annoying.  Over time, we develop a thick skin and learn to thwart the offending barbs and attitudes.  But when relatives are rude, it is especially poignant.  Rude relatives are essentially verbally abusive bullies.

Growing up in the 60's, my maternal family members were often opinionated, arrogant, haughty, pompous, and at times tactless but humorous. I truly do not believe that they meant any harm.  Family gatherings were for the most part, filled with some wonderful memories because of loving and gracious grandparents.  Sometimes their offspring could be generous and witty and other times, they had no problem imparting their thoughtless comments and criticisms, however hurtful those comments might be.

Children in the family were especially vulnerable.  Children “were seen and not heard”, back then.  Unfortunately, it was easy for the adults to vent their frustrations with the kids because as kids, we had no choice but to "take it".

Once, rude comments from a relative spilled over onto a friend. My friend was visiting me at my grandparent's one weekend.  The relative took one look at her and expressed with indignation "Oh my God!  Honey, you need to lose some weight. How did you let yourself get like that?"  I was totally embarrassed and angry.  As a 12 yr old child, after that incident, I was careful about bringing my friends around my extended family.

We can't choose our relatives but we can choose the way we respond to them and the way we allow them to treat us.

Fast forward to the present . . . the relatives that are left tend to just glare and grunt their righteous indignations.  The rudeness is now, mainly attitudinal.

“Kill ‘em with kindness.

I never gave back what they gave me.  I would never be rude to them. I try to lighten things up.  I make them smile. I treat them the way I want to be treated and I do respect my elders.

Command Respect

My uncles were particularly egregious, but they are gone now.  Whenever their cruel comments rise up in my memory, I beat these demons back and tell them that it stops now.  I am not going to allow the past to invade the present.  I know who I am and whose I am.

Children May Be Listening and Watching

It’s just amazing how you can observe the true character of adults by the way they act when alone with a child.  Dealing with rude relatives is a situation that needs a hero.  The way you handle these behaviors rubs off.  It’s an opportunity to teach the younger set how to deal . . . how to react appropriately.  You can break the cycle and put an end to this generational curse, instead of perpetuating a family trait that can potentially keep family from growing together.

Rewrite the script

Create a new family legacy.  Rudeness is learned behavior.  There’s a certain amount of immaturity and lack of self-control that allows rudeness to take on a life of its own.  We truly teach others how to treat us.  Family should be a soft place to fall.

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