by Lori Buttermark

Created on: August 17, 2010

How many times have we heard children lash out with, “no, and you can’t make me!”  

Children are not born defiant. It is an unattractive trait picked up along life’s way. Defiance translates into a child’s need for independence or, their cry for help.

Children do not come with an instruction manual. When we gave birth, we signed up for a lifetime of part heaven, part hell and a mixed bag called “bittersweet”.  Then, somewhere along life’s "checkpoint”, we ask ourselves am I giving too much or too little toward this entity called parenting?

Our own childhood pales to what children are offered today, yet we were disciplined, recognized and respected what was available to us and what was not. 

Today’s generation stems from a more hi-tech pyramid; hence, it is difficult to apply the same “rule of thumb” discipline which molded us into ladies and gentlemen, but we are expected to create boundaries and a structured family environment enabling our children to decipher right from wrong, develop self-respect and respect their  fellow human’s along life’s way.

Children observe and mimic adults; hence, they feel what is okay for the adult, is okay for them.

Does the child’s defiance persist twenty-four seven or, occasionally if they cannot have their way?

When there are older or younger siblings, defiance may be the child’s claim and ticket to recognition if or when they feel excluded. Parents should see this as a RED FLAG. Unlike The Cosby Show or 7th Heaven, it virtually impossible to be on “hugging” call around the clock, but it is important not to play favorites.  Children compete for parental love and attention. The role-model or well-rounded parents manage to spread their love with little effort.  

Family night or the weekly family dinner is the current trend for “airing and sharing”. Children can add their small voices as well. It promotes family harmony and quality.

If defiance is the occasional factor, then the parent must determine the source. Defiance is often packaged as disappointment. Adults are resilient to cancellations on their own level whereas children are not. They were promised a movie, a trip to the zoo, maybe an ice cream cone, but were rewarded with big time disappointment. We are expected to follow through. Now frustration becomes defiance toward the next parental encounter.

Defiance may also result from a child’s dislike for certain foods which are healthy; perhaps an outfit they want to wear or, having to visit Grandma when they want to stay home with their friends. Take time to explain the “why” of the situation and give them an incentive for understanding.

Recalling Cesar Milan Dog Whisperer’s three rules:

Exercise: Parental authority without the yelling.

Discipline: Stay strong in your conviction, but exude positive energy.

Affection: Always reward children for good behavior.

Children remember the good, the bad and the indifferent.  Parents may not be Harvard or Yale graduates, but child psychology can be as natural as childbirth. Teaching children that life is a give and take situation is one recommended approach to diminish and rid the defiance virus.

Learn more about this author, Lori Buttermark.
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