No one knew the demons you faced on a daily basis, every waking hour they tormented you, whispered their hate and loathing in your ear with out ceasing. No one knew that these demons had names and faces, names difficult to pronounce and faces so frightening even the greatest horror writer could not imagine them. Day in day out their taunting would go on unseen by those looking on but so real to you. They had been part of your life since you were sixteen, one day everything was fine the next day their they were legions of them all trying to be heard at the same time. You spent hours everyday trying to work out why they had appeared, what had you done to deserve this, why you and why would they not go away.
As my God father you kept this hidden, no one suspected anything, you seemed happy, confident, full of fun and life yet as soon as you were alone even for a moment they would rush in putting you down, telling you how worthless you were, scum, that you would be better off dead, for thirty nine years this had been your reality and to you it was very real, frighteningly real.
As a kid when you came to see us you would ring the door bell and when we answered you would greet us with a huge beam and the words jelly-bow-lee to you which still makes me smile. I never new what that meant. As a Godfather you were what every child hopes for, you would spend time with us, me and my sisters, hours on your knees helping us build with Lego, always interested in what we had been up to. Now I understand that these times took you back to the time they where not there, a time when you you free and for those brief hours you found some relief.
Your wife knew all to well about the demons, she coped on what seemed like her own for years trying to get you to go to a doctor, seek some help which you always refused in fear of being locked away put in a straight jacket, losing contact with the only ones in which you found relief. She coped for years but then one day snapped and left and we never saw her again nor you I now understand.
Some how and in some way you had to try and blot them out, drugs seemed to make them worse, more real, but alcohol seemed to block out part of them, numb the harshness of their words, yes they were still there but at times you could laugh at them, with them, even agree with what they were saying. I guess that is why we no longer saw you! The alcohol addiction had taken over and you lost your job, your home, everything really the prophecy of the demons was becoming true.
You could not have known that I was working on that scaffold that spring morning opposite that car park. I was repairing all the window frames on the office block now a carpenter no longer a child. I wonder if you knew it was me if things would have turned out different if it would have been enough of a jolt to save you. But you didn't see me and I saw you step over the safety railing on the top level although I didn't know that it was you, saw the can of cheap larger fall from your hand and as if in slow motion, tumble eight stories to the ground the sound echoing around the narrow street causing people to look up and panic start. I saw you falter on the edge could see you arguing with what looked like yourself, the police had arrived sirens blazing, causing you to panic. I heard the words; "Have it you way," followed by a phrase so familiar it still chills my soul, at that moment I knew it was you, at that moment as I watched you hit the pavement I knew the demons had won but your final words were defiant; "Jelly-bow-lee" it carried a sense of irony in a way a it was a cry of freedom.
I was sick at the sight, physically sick there on the scaffold and was sick again a few days later when I read the newspaper report that confirmed it was you, The report might as well have been written by your demons because it said nothing good about you, alcoholic, no hoper, loser but they didn't know you like me.
It is said by some that when demons leave a soul they search out another place to dwell, another home, another poor soul to torment but I will not let them in and destroy me, I will not listen to their voices when I am alone, I will not believe them, they are liars, a figment of my imagination. I will make them go away whatever it takes!