by Rick Badman

Created on: August 13, 2010

We all know about some of the famous inscriptions on tombstones.  HERE LIES LES MOORE.  SHOT FIVE TIMES BY A 44.  NO LESS, NO MOORE. 

I'd love to see some inscriptions that are 100 % true no matter how embarrassing.  It's not like the dead will be able to change them unless they teach ghosts how to use a jackhammer in the other dimension where spirits roam. 

For a liar there could be: HERE LIES JORNEN HERGANMUZZEN.  HE LIED WHILE HE WAS ALIVE.  AND HERE HE WILL LIE FOR ETERNITY. 

For a person who was always late there could be: HERE LIES THE LATE BUFEN MERTZENWEERVEL.  THE ONLY THING HE WASN'T LATE TO WAS HIS FUNERAL. 

For a thief there could be: HERE LIES POORNUCK SASSONGREN.  HE TOOK EVERYTHING HE COULD GET AWAY WITH.  THE ONLY THING HE COULDN'T STEAL IS MORE TIME TO STAY ALIVE. 

For an idiot there could be: HERE LIES QUERVEN GORGENMAKEN.  HIS LAST WORDS WERE "LET ME LICK THE OUTLET TO SEE IF THERE IS ANY JUICE DOWN THERE."

For a sports fanatic there could be: HERE LIES IRNGRON KRAPPENHOOPER.  HE CLAIMED HE WOULD DIE FOR HIS TEAM.  HE'S DEAD AND HIS TEAM DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS. 

For a politician there could be: HERE LIES FAVVEN OORNUSMIKEN.  THEY USUALLY ARREST LIARS AND THIEVES.  IN FAVVEN'S CASE, HE WAS ALWAYS RE-ELECTED. 

For someone who was not liked there could be: FINALLY, THE OLD BASTARD FRERGAN GANGORZOONEN IS DEAD.  IT'S ABOUT TIME HE WENT TO HELL. 

But for a respected preacher there could be: WHY DID GOD HAVE TO TAKE PASTOR YANGEN HERGBEN WHEN PEOPLE LIKE FRERGAN GANGORZOONEN AND FAVVEN OORNUSMIKEN REFUSED TO DIE FIRST?

For the town gossip there could be:  HERE LIES MERTAL VOORGANHAGGEN.  FINALLY WE WON'T HAVE TO HEAR HER SAY ANOTHER BAD THING ABOUT ANYONE. 

For the town drunk there could be: HERE LIES WALLEN PERPENSNICKLE.  HE USED TO LIE IN BACK ALLEYS AND DUMPSTERS.  NOW HE HAS TO LIE HERE FROM NOW ON. 

For the town beauty queen that all the women hated there could be: HERE LIES ALLIN RANGENBIPPLE.  TOO BAD SHE DOESN'T HAE A MIRROR DOWN THERE WHERE SHE CAN WATCH HERSELF ROT AWAY. 

For the richest man in town there could be: HERE LIES BATTRON FARGRAUN III.  HE WASN'T RICH ENOUGH TO BUY HIS WAY OUT OF THE GRAVE.

For the greatest high school athlete there could be: HERE LIES LOORNASS ERGENWEEPLE.  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM BEFORE HE BECAME FAT, BALD, AND SO SLOW THAT TURTLES COULD OUTRUN HIM. 

There are so many appropriate epitaphs I'd love to see on grave makers.  But since most dead people have relatives that will complain, we may never see what ought to be on the stones and monuments.  Too bad they didn't place on Nixon's grave:  IF YOU DON'T SEE ME IN HELL, I'LL BE LAUGHING AT YOU IN HEAVEN. 

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